STARTREK: THE NEW COLLEGE GENERATION By Spaceman SPiff Creative Credit to Da Teach ================================================================= CAST (In order of appearance) Picard-------------------Jeffery Miller Worf--------------------------THE ROCK! Riker--------------------------Peeeeter Data------------------------------SPiff Geordi--------------Col. Hafez Al Baruk Wesley Crusher---------------Timmy Dude Q----------------------------------Aldo Ensign-----------------The Hall Phantom Ferangi Captain-----------------Mark R. ================================================================= [Picard standing in his quarters attempting to put a poster up on the wall. Door chimes] Picard: (under his breath) Dammit! (to the door) Enter! Worf: (enters and takes an at ease stance) Captain, it is time for me to watch "Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling." Picard: Mr. Worf, surely you can find someone else with a TV.... Worf: (Bares his sharp teeth and growls) Picard: (Sighs) Very well Mr. Worf, you know where the controls are. Worf: (Smugly) A wise choice sir. (Takes a seat in front of the TV screen. And turns on GLOW.) Picard: (Finishing putting up his poster) Ahh! There we go. What do you think Mr. Worf. Worf: (Not happy to be interrupted, Worf looks up at the Captain's new Beatles's poster and scowls.) Sir, with all due respect.... Klingons do not listen to the Beatles! Picard: Really Mr. Worf, your prejudice against the Beatles is unwarranted. They continue to effect our music, even in the 24th century.... Worf: Sir, they are not the band of a warrior. Picard: Granted they were into the "hippie" scene, Mr. Worf, but.... Worf: "Tears for Fears" is the band of a true warrior. (Worf smiles and begins to sing falsetto) Everybody, wants to rule the world..... [Intercom chirps] Riker's Voice: Picard to the bridge. Picard: (to the intercom) On my way. (turns to Worf) We will continue this discussion later. (Bares his teeth and snarls at Worf) Worf: (whimpers) Yes sir. [Break to Theme and Opening Credits.] [New Scene: Picard is walking down corridor towards the turbo lift. Geordi is walking towards him. Worf steps around the corner and draws his phaser, firing at Geordi. Picard, shocked, dives behind a potted plant. Geordi falls to the deck stunned. Worf runs up and crouches over him breathing heavily. Picard stands and straightens his shirt.] Picard: (in a commanding tone) Mr. Worf! At ease! [Data walks around the corner behind Worf and sees the display. He immediately draws his phaser and stuns Worf. Picard again dives for cover. Geordi still lies prone on the floor.] Worf: (Laying dazed on the ground looking up at Data) I protest! That is not fair! You are dead! Data: (cocks his head) On the contrary, all of my positronic circuits are functioning at 99.8%. I am not dead. Worf: (Jumps up and gets in Data's face) You have no honor! Your father was a Romulan spy! Data: Again, if I may correct you, my "father", Dr. Nuygen Sum, was one of the most revered scientist in starfleet. However, I believe that your father has been declared by the Klingon High Council to be..... Picard: (Straitening his uniform) Data, that's quite enough! What is the meaning of this! Worf: (Growls) We are practicing our combat skills by playing... "a game." (Gives Data a dirty look) Picard: I want this "game," to cease and desist right now! Keep it on the holodeck gentlemen! That's and order! Worf: (Whining) But sir...... Data: I believe the Captain is correct, starfleet regulation number 34537268.117198741-4972s specifically states that the Captain has the authority to stop any unauthorized phaser skirmishes between crew members in the corridors. However regulation number 2348719.3472987-3487g states that in personal quaters.... Picard: Thank you Mr. Data. Now the two of you pick up this mess (points at Geordi's limp body) and get Geordi to sick bay. Data + Worf: Aye sir. Picard: (Walks towards the turbo lift and steps in) Bridge! (turbo lift doors close, leaving only Worf, Data, and the unconscious Geordi.) Worf: (To Data) I had killed you earlier, fair and square. Data: (Picks up Geordi and slings him over his shoulder.) On the contrary, I ducked. Worf: (They begin to walk back down the corridor) You ducked. Ha! And my mother is a Romulan slave! Klingons do NOT miss! Data: Actually, recent intelligence reports that there were survivors of the Kitemer Massacre and...... [Data an Worf disappear around the corner and Data's voice fades. We hear Worf give a blood curdling scream and curse in Klingon. Sounds of phaser fire and a scuffle filter around the corner. Worf's body flies out from around the corner, hits the wall, and falls limp on the floor. Data reappears and stands over Worf still holding Geordi slug over his shoulder.] Data: (Cocks his head) As a believe they say in Klingon... Mat vach! [Subtitles: "Your Mother!"] [Data turns and leaves Worf lying in the corridor. The Ensign of the week enters, looks at Worf, shakes his head, continues down the hall.] [New Scene: Picard exits the turbo lift and we see Riker asleep in the command chair and Wesley Crusher smiling idiotically, working at the navigation controls. Picard walks down to his chair and looks at Riker.] Picard: (to Riker) Number One! Riker: (turns over and smiles with his eyes still closed) Ooooh baby! I love it when you call me Number One! Picard: (Now angry at Riker) Number One, you really must stop having these... these erotic dreams in my chair. It's getting icky. Riker: (Rolls over again) Let me sleep mom. Picard: (Now really angry, gets a devious smile) Number One! Wake up! The ship is under attack by the Tholians! Wesley: Tholians! OH NO! Red alert! Shields up! Fire the photon torpedoes! (He begins frantically hitting buttons on the control panel.) [Exterior shot of the Enterprise orbiting a planet. A salvo of photon torpedoes leave the Enterprise and impact on the planet, destroying it.] [Back on bridge, Worf, Data, And Geordi hurry out of the turbo lift and to their stations. Riker is still asleep in the captain's chair. Picard is standing with his jaw hung open.] Picard: Wesley! You twit! Data: (Pressing buttons on his console) Captain, the planet has been destroyed. No detectable life signs. Wesley: (Smiles and shrugs) Worf: (A bit pissed off) Captain! Request permission to stuff Wesley in a photon torpedo and fire him! Picard: (Nodding his head in shock) Make it so. Worf: With pleasure sir! (Smiles wickedly and drags Wesley towards the turbo lift) Wesley: (Kicking and screaming) No! You can't do this! I'm a pre-teen heart throb! Your ratings will plunge among pre-pubescent girls! I'll never fit in a torpedo casing any way! Worf: (Stops and smiles at Wesley) I'll MAKE you fit! [Worf and Wesley leave in the turbo lift] [In a flash of light and a haze of incense, Q appears, dressed like John Lennon in his later years] Q: Why hello, mon capitan. Your shorts seem to be in a bit of a bind. Picard: (Fuming) Q, why do you constantly mock me by imitating John Lennon? Q: Quite horrendous, isn't it? Quite frankly I don't understand what you human's saw in him. (Snaps his fingers and is instantly dressed in leather and spikes) Iron Maiden! Now there was an Earth band that could really ROCK! Picard: I've had quite enough of your games Q! Now go away! Q: What's the matter Captain, haven't gotten laid lately? Hmmmm? Just relax and come with me on a trip to Afghanistan.... (Picard frowns) Well, maybe not. You always were such a stiff. You see, I've come to fix the little problem you have with the planet that just got vaporized by that charming young Ensign, and kinda cute too, Wesley Crusher. Picard: We don't need your help Q! Now be on your way! Q: Not until my work is done. (Snaps his fingers and Worf appears shaking Wesley upside down.) Uhhh! How barbaric Mr. Wolf! I see that Klingon culture is still thriving. Worf: (Growls and bares his sharp teeth) That's Mr. WORF, son of Mog, grandson of Gormh, first cousin of..... Q: Yes, yes, very nice. Now shut up! (Q snaps his fingers and a metal plate appears, bolted over Worf's mouth. Worf drops Wesley on his head and the studio audience applauds.) [While Worf and Q bicker, Geordi approaches Picard] Geordi: (whispering) Captain. I think I can get rid of Q and reconstruct the planet Wesley the wonder idiot blew up. All I need to do is fluctuate the starboard power coupling, play with the anti-matter containment field, reroute all the power through the toilet in the starboard gymnasium, stand on my head, click my heals together, and say "there's no place like home." Picard: (Nods) Make it so. [Geordi starts to the turbo lift] Q: Leaving so soon, Mr LaForge. Geordi: I've got a quiche in the oven. (hurries into the turbo lift and leaves) Wesley: I wanna come too! (dives into the turbo lift) Worf: (Removing the metal plate from this mouth) Klingons do NOT eat quiche! Q: REALLY Mr. Wolf, you're a real pain. (snaps his fingers and another metal plate appears over Worf's mouth) Riker: (Rolls over, yawns, and rubs his eyes) Have I missed anything? [New Scene: Main engineering. Geordi is hurrying about pushing buttons and playing with his tools. Wesley watches.] Wesley: (Shakes his head) Geordi, I wouldn't do that if I were you. Geordi: (Stops using his cool little tool that looks like a pen but emits a light beam and makes a faint chiming sound. He turns and looks at Wesley.) Look, who's the Chief Engineer around here? [Worf, Riker, and Data enter] Wesley: (whining) You have to listen to me! It says so in my contract. I'm the 16 year old wonder kid who can fix anything. I get the young hot chicks that Riker can't legally touch and every time the writers can't figure another way out of a situation I get to come up with the miracle break through. Geordi: Shut up Wesley! Worf: Shut up Wesley. Riker: Shut up Wesley. Data: Shut up Wesley. Picard's Voice: Picard to Ensign Crusher.... Shut up Wesley. Q: (Pokes his head through the bulk head) Oh Wesley, just shut up! (snaps his fingers and a metal plate appears bolted to Wesley's mouth) [Ensign of the week enters with a piece of paper.] Ensign: Telegram for Ensign Crusher from his mommy. (hands the paper to Wesley) [Paper reads: Shut up Wesley.....love mom.] [Geordi goes back to work] Riker: LaForge, how much longer? Geordi: (finishes and turns of his nifty tool) That should do it! (Slams the access control panel shut) [Exterior shot of Enterprise. Huge explosion occurs and leaves nothing behind] [New Scene: Much later on a Ferangi starship. Picard, Riker, Geordi, Worf, Data, and the Ensign of the Week are talking with the Ferangi Captain.] Ferangi Captain: It's a good thing I happened by when I did. Picard: My crew and I are forever in your debt. Riker: Are there any babes on board? Ferangi Captain: I have anything... for a price. How would you like a Crystal Pepsi for $.50, or half a pizza for $3.75, only $.75 a slice. Or if you don't have money, we can arrange.... a trade. And Captain Picard, I could improve your musical taste.... Could I interest you in the latest REM album? (Ferangi starts singing) It starts, with an earthquake, birds snakes, and airplanes..... Picard: That's quite enough! Why do you people keep criticizing my taste in music?!?! Data: (Whispering to Geordi) The Captain is being extremely irate. Geordi: (Whispering to Data) It must be the music he listens to. [Meanwhile, Wesley tumbles by the window, blue in the face from holding his breath.] Ensign: Captain look! (Ensign points a Wesley tumbling by the window) Ferangi Captain: Ahhh! Another customer. Beam him on board. Worf: I don't think so. (Worf towers over the Ferangi) Ferangi Captain: I'll make you a deal, let's wrestle for it. Worf: Agreed [The Ferangi captain lunges at Worf and Worf throws the Ferangi captain to the ground and sits on his face, giving a Klingon warrior's cry.] Worf: (at the top of his lungs) Pizza!!!!!!!! Picard: That's quite enough Mr. Worf.... Worf: But sir.... Deeener!!!!!!!!!! Data: Sir, I believe that I can operate the navigation controls for the ship with out the aid of the Ferangi Captain. Picard: (smiling) Make it so. [Data sits down at the navigation console] [Exterior view of the Ferangi starship. The engines begin to glow brighter and then the ship goes to warp speed in reverse! As the ship disappears going in reverse at high warp, we hear the crew scream.] All: (As loud as they can yell) Ooooooooooooooooh Noooooooooo!!!! [Credits roll with theme music] ================================================================ [Preview] Announcer's Voice: Next time on Star Trek, the New College generation..... [Picard, Wesley, Data, Worf, and huge blob in Picard's quarters. Data is scanning the blob with a tricorder while it watches TV.] Data: It appears to be harmless..... Picard: (gives Data a concerned look) But what is its intention? It really smells bad! Worf: I don't care. Its taken my seat in front of the TV. It must DIE! Wesley: I think its kinda cute. (He reaches out and pets the blob) Worf: (snarls) Figures! Announcer's Voice: Is the new life form harmless or a deadly threat? [Data and Riker in a corridor littered with pizza boxes and soda containers] Data: I have noticed an increase of pizza boxes and other assorted food wrappers on the Enterprise since the arrival of the gelatinous cube. Riker: How long do we have? (his eye is caught by the passing babe of the week and he wanders off.) Never mind, I have work to do. (to the babe) Hey! You know we might die soon..... Data: (Raises his eyebrow) Announcer's Voice: Can the crew save the Enterprise from certain destruction? [Picard on the Bridge] Picard: Geordi, we need warp speed NOW! [Geordi in Engineering] Geordi: I can't Captain! The manifold is blocked by..... MY GOD! (Geordi faints) [Exterior shot of the Enterprise and a huge explosion] Announcer's Voice: On the next episode of Star Trek: The New College Generation.