STARTREK: THE NEW COLLEGE GENERATION EPISODE 2: BLOB SLOB (Roommate Problems) By Spaceman SPiff Creative Credit to Da Teach ================================================================= CAST (In order of appearance) Picard-------------------Jeffery Miller Wesley Crusher---------------Timmy Dude Worf--------------------------THE ROCK! Data------------------------------SPiff Riker--------------------------Peeeeter Babe--------------------------????????? Geordi--------------Col. Hafez Al Baruk Computer------------------Richard Nuzzy Ensign--------------M.C. "Kate" Gabriel Admiral Ceglia (Romulan)-------Ralph C. Romulan Spy------------------Ruth Estep ================================================================= [Exterior shot of the Enterprise from behind. Stars streaming by as we move with the Enterprise in high warp.] Picard's Voice: Captain's Log: Oh what is today's date?.... Who really cares anyway?.... We have just gotten the Enterprise reconstructed by the Q. I must say that the explosion that destroyed the ship was not the fault of Lt. LaForge, but a freak accident that we will all blame on acting Ensign Wesley Crusher. We have been ordered by Starfleet to proceed as quickly as possible to the Umgah sector, where we are to meet the USS Johnson to take on a special diplomatic envoy and escort them to Earth. In the meantime, I just want to get some sleep. [Picard enters his dark quarters and the door closes behind him. He collapses on his bed and begins to fall asleep, but then sits up with a start.] Picard: What's that smell? (He looks around) Lights! (the lights come on) [A huge gelatinous cube sits at the foot of Picard's bed playing with the TV remote.] [Close up of Picard's face filled with horror.] [Fade to black. Theme music and opening credits] [Picard, Wesley, Data, Worf, and huge blob in Picard's quarters. Data is scanning the blob with a tricorder while it watches TV.] Data: It appears to be harmless..... Picard: (gives Data a concerned look) But what is its intention? It really smells bad! It wreaks of cheap cigarettes and stale alcohol. Worf: It smells, like home.... But I don't care. Its taken my seat in front of the TV. (pauses in contemplation) It must DIE! Wesley: I think its kinda cute. (He reaches out and pets the blob) Worf: (snarls) Figures! Picard: I don't think we should kill it here. That would ruin my rug. Well, can we move it? Data: I don't think so Sir. I appears to be too massive and malleable to move by shear force. Picard: What about the transporter? Data: The transporter has had trouble getting a lock on it. Wesley: (eagerly bouncing) I could modify the transporter to move it! Picard: (a bit nervous, remembering the last episode) Yes, but would the transporter ever work correctly again? Wesley: Really Captain? I'm soooo adorable, how could I mess this up? Worf: (folds his arms across his chest) EASILY! Picard: (caving in) Well, I guess you can try. I have to make points with your mother some how. [New Scene: Data and Riker in a corridor littered with pizza boxes and soda containers] Data: I have noticed an increase of pizza boxes and other assorted food wrappers on the Enterprise since the arrival of the gelatinous cube. Riker: (concerned about this new threat to ship board sanitation. NOT!) How long do we have? (his eye is caught by the passing babe of the week and he wanders off.) Never mind, I have work to do. (to the babe) Hey! You know we might die soon..... (Riker and Babe turn corner) Data: (Raises his eyebrow) Babe's Voice: You creep! (SLAP!) [Worf approaches Data, avoiding the pizza boxes] Data: (cocks his head) Lt. Worf. Could you assist me in cleaning up this rubbish? Worf: (gives Data a dirty look) Klingons do NOT pick up trash! (Worf continues and turns corner) Data: (Shrugs, pulls out his phaser and begins vaporizing pizza boxes one by one) [New Scene: In the transporter room, Wesley and Geordi have the access panels on the transporter open and are modifying components.] Geordi: That should do it. Wesley: (concerned) I don't know..... Maybe we should test it first. Geordi: (annoyed) Wes, don't be a wimp! I say it's ready, and WHO is the chief engineer?!? Wesley: Okay, but it was the CHIEF ENGINEER that blew up the Enterprise last episode. Geordi: (really annoyed) HEY! You're the one that got blamed for that freak accident! (Geordi starts to close the access panel) Wesley: (Stops Geordi) Uh, let me close up this time. (Wesley gently closes the access panel and smiles at Geordi) [Huge explosion] [Outside of transporter room. Data drags Geordi and Wesley out of the transporter room as smoke billows out the door. Wesley and Geordi are covered head to toe is soot.] Data: (sets the dynamic duo down and looks at them, cocking his head) I think it would be prudent, if in the future neither of you modified anything without my aid. Geordi: Thanks Data. [New Scene: Picard stands outside his quarters hesitating to enter. He approaches the door and veers off several times before pinching he nose, ducking his head, and rushing in. To his surprise and delight the blob is gone. He takes his fingers off his nose and is overwhelmed by the stench. He finds a rag and places it over his face.] Picard: (Hits his com-badge. In a very nasal voice.) Picard to Data, the gelatinous cube is no longer in my quarters. Data's Voice: Thank you sir. I'll mount a ship wide search immediately. Picard: Very good Mr. Data, Picard out. (Picks up a pizza box off the floor, looks at it, then drops it in disgust.) [New Scene: Data is walking down a corridor, checking every room. One door opens and the Babe emerges.] Babe: (Stroking Data's chest) Hey big boy.... Data: Excuse me, but have you seen a huge gelatinous cube of a mass of approximately 400kg. Babe: (pouting) Why no, but I have something to show you. (She takes Data's hand a begins to drag him into her room. She is inside the room, but we can still see Data) Data: (eyes grow wide) Very intriguing Ensign, but I really must find this blob. (He slips her grip and we hear a thud as the door closes) [Data continues down the hall and Wesley bounces by Babe's door Babe opens the door and grabs Wesley.] Babe: (really put out) Well, I guess you'll have to do. (She drags Wesley into her room and the door closes) Wesley's Voice: (yelling behind the closed door) Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!! [New Scene: The crew has assembled for a conference in the forward observation lounge. Data, Worf, Riker, Geordi, and Picard are present.] Picard: (straightening his shirt) I.... Where IS Ensign Crusher? Worf: If I may say so Sir, you should have allowed me to stuff him in a photon torpedo last episode. Picard: That's enough Mr. Worf. [Wesley staggers in the door with a silly smile on his face.] Wesley: Hi ya! Tee hee hee.... Sorry I'm late. Picard: (raises an eyebrow) Don't let it happen again Ensign! Wesley: Oh, I hope it does! (He flops down in a chair and starts spinning in it) Picard: ENSIGN! (his face is visibly turning red with rage and at a loss for words) Riker: (grudgingly mumbling) At least some one is getting. some! Data: (rising from his seat) Captain, if I may start the briefing..... Picard: (still flustered) Yes.... Very well, Mr. Data. Let's get started. Data: (walks over to the wall display and starts his slide show. The first graphic is of the blob. Everyone cringes in disgust, except Wesley who is still spinning in his chair) I have been unable to locate the blob on the Enterprise, but I have complied a list of sightings by crew members. We are unable to track is using the on- board sensor arrays because it is covered in a layer of pizza cheese that is impervious to our normal sensor scans (graphic on screen changes to show a diagram of some ridiculously complex molecule). However, I believe we can set a trap for it. Riker: (starts to snore) Geordi: Fascinating Data, but what do we do? Data: Follow me to the holodeck. I'll require you, Commander Riker, and Mr. Worf. [Wesley falls out of his chair and starts laughing. Everyone looks at him in disgust.] Worf: Captain, request permission to..... Picard: Not now Mr Worf. You can beat on Wesley any day. I want that blob off MY ship! [New Scene: Outside holodeck. Riker, Geordi, and Worf are fidgeting while Data programs the holodeck. Riker starts to pick his nose. Worf catches Riker with his finger in up to the third knuckle. Worf gives Riker a look of disgust. Riker shrugs and continues excavating his nose. Riker finally finishes, withdraws his finger, and wipes his booggers on the wall behind him.] Riker: (irritated) Enough already! Let's get this plot moving! Data: (finishing with the controls) That should do it. [Holodeck doors open to reveal a room with a giant two story window by a "hole" in the ceiling. There are assorted ugly maroon pieces of furniture and a low table. The room is inadequately lit. Popcorn and sections from the Washington Post are spread all over the floor. A deck of beaten up cards lies on the low table in the middle of the furniture.] Worf: (proudly) A Klingon right of ascension ceremony! How did you know? Data: Mr. Worf, while there are similarities between the scene I have created and ceremonial settings from Klingon culture, any resemblances are purely accidental. This is from Earth culture, late 20th century. Worf: (embarrassed and uncomfortable) Oh.... That's what I meant. Riker: (arrogant as always) I know this. It's my cabin after a weekend of partying. [Data and Geordi exchange knowing glances] Worf: (walks over to the wall and touches a hanging maroon sheet of plywood) What is this? Data: Ah! I believe that is a decorative wall panel. Worf: I fail to see the appeal in such "decoration." Data: (Ignoring Worf and Riker) From my research, I have concluded that this is the native environment of the gelatinous blob. I have also found that this sub-species is particularly fond of.... (cocks his head) playing cards. Riker: (now excited) Oh boy! Bluff your asses with a pair of two's again! Data: (turning to Riker) On the contrary sir, the game it prefers is spades. Riker: (disappointed) Oh. [Worf begins to shift uneasily] Data: Mr. Worf? Is there something wrong? Worf: (embarrassed) I.... I must use the bathroom sir. Riker: Can't this wait? Worf: (Straitening up) Klingons do NOT wait for the bathroom! (he slouches and lowers his tone) Besides,... I wet my pants. [Geordi inches away from Worf] Riker: (utterly disgusted) Oh god! You're dismissed, Mr. Worf. [Worf shuffles out leaving a wet trail] Data: (offering Riker and Geordi seats) Shall we get started? Lt. Worf can join the game when he returns. Riker: Okay, but I'm NOT sitting next to him. [Much later, they are still playing spades. Worf has returned and is Data's partner, sitting across from him. Riker is obviously bored and just throwing cards down at random.] Riker: How much longer do we have to do this? Data: Indefinitely sir. We want to attract the blob. Riker: Perhaps we should try a more human approach.... [Riker stands and straightens his shirt] Riker: Computer, patch me into the ship wide intercom. Computer: (chirps) Affirmative. [Exterior shot of Enterprise] Riker's Voice: (bellowing) SPADES!!!!! [Back on the holodeck, everyone turns to watch the door open. Enter ugly gelatinous cube. The cube oozes it's way across the floor. Data gets up and it takes his seat. Appendages like hands grow out of the cube and it begins shuffling the cards.] Geordi: (hesitantly) Well Data, what do we do now! Data: (looks a Geordi calmly) I suggest that we.... (then screams) RUN FOR IT!! [Data, Geordi, and Worf run for the door. Riker is a bit dazed and hesitates. Riker runs but slips on the "Style" section of the Washington Post and falls. The blob "rolls" over on Riker's legs while it continues shuffling the cards as the door begins to close behind the others.] Riker: (Screaming) NOooooooo! Don't leave me here! Worf: (just as the doors close) You will die with honor. Riker: (Screaming) Thanks a lot you microbrained moron! [In the corridor outside the holodeck, we hear Riker screaming in the background as Data secures the door.] Data: Perhaps we should try to rescue the Commander. Geordi: Nah! He's paying in-state tuition. [Data nods.] Picard's Voice: Mr. LaForge, Ensign Crusher has monitored some disturbing fluctuations in the warp engines. Geordi: On my way to engineering! Data: (remembering the last two things Geordi has fixed) I'll accompany you. [Data and Geordi walk off in one direction. Worf shrugs an leaves in the opposite direction.] [New scene: Engineering. Geordi and Data are both working frantically at the table like console ()in the alcove off the warp core chamber.] Geordi: (frustrated) I don't get it! Everything checks out! Data: If I may make an observation.... In the last seven seasons of Star Trek, things always go wrong when "everything checks out." Geordi: Well, We're loosing anti-matter containment.... Hey, what if I fluctuate the starboard power coupling! Data: Couldn't we come up with a more original solution? Geordi: (disappointed) But that's all they ever taught us at the Academy. When something goes wrong, fluctuate the starboard power coupling. Data: Intriguing. (Looks with concern at his display. Geordi walks over and looks at it with him.) It appears that something is blocking the matter reactant injector. [Switch Scenes: On the bridge. Picard is pacing nervously. Worf is at tactical. Wesley is at navigation. Ensign of the week is at Ops.] Ensign: (alarmed) Oh crud! Captain, I am reading energy fluctuations all around us! Gosh darnit! Picard: Full Stop! [Exterior shot of the Enterprise, the shot off the port bow and below the saucer section. The space around the Enterprise shimmers and the entire Romulan fleet decloaks around the Enterprise.] [Back on bridge] Worf: (bellowing) Ooooooooooooooh Noooooooooooo! Picard: Ensign, get us out of here now! Ensign: Oh crud! I broke it! Phooey! Wesley: Sir! The warp engines are off-line! Picard: (about to wet his pants) Geordi, we need warp speed NOW! [Geordi in Engineering] Geordi: I can't Captain! The matter reactant injector is blocked by..... MY GOD! (Geordi faints) [Picard on bridge] Picard: Geordi! What's going on down there! Data's Voice: Just one second sir. I am attempting to clear the injector. Worf: Sir. May I open fire. Picard: For the thousandth time....No! Why must you solve everything with a photon torpedo? Computer: Three minutes to warp core breach. And 50 minutes to the information meeting on our friend, the ROLM phone system. Picard: (annoyed) Shut that off! Worf: Sir, we are being hailed by Admiral Ceglia of the Romulan flag ship "Suck What?!" Picard: (to Worf) On Screen. (Romulan Admiral appears on screen sitting on his command chair on a dimly lit bridge) Admiral, this is Captain Jean Luc Picard of the starship Enterprise. How may we assist you. Admiral Ceglia: (smirks) I've been think'n you have something for us. That we'll just be take'n now. Worf: I don't think we have anything you but a photon torpedo up your..... [Data walks out of the turbo lift onto the bridge carrying a box.] Data: (To Picard) Sir, I found a very interesting object blocking the matter reactant injector. In addition to Jimmy Hoffa, the Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot, a TV marked "UVA New College", and Worf's lost green flipflops, I found a shoe box containing $150 blocking the manifold. I removed these items and stabilized the warp core. [Picard takes the box and opens it, examining the contents. The turbo lift doors open and the a little old woman steps out brandishing a phaser. Worf goes for his weapon, but she levels him with a round house kick. The rest of the crew steps back.] Picard: Who in the hell are you! Get off my bridge! Admiral Ceglia: (gloating) Ah. This is who I came for. Ya see Pick-Yard, you unknowlegdably transportationed one of our spies right back to us with some very valuable information. Sucks to be you, eh? Romulan Spy: (takes the box from the shocked Picard) I'll be taking this Captain. Thank you for the door to door service. (She dematerializes as the Romulans beam her out.) Data: Sir? Didn't you raise the shields? Picard: (hits himself in the forehead) DOH! I knew I forgot something. [Worf (the Klingon wuss) picks himself up off the floor in shame and returns to his station.] Admiral Ceglia: Heh, heh! Looks like it is time for me to ream ya up the ass! (starts singing out of tune) Mooooon Riiiver...... (Main screen blanks as communications are cut.) Worf: Captain! The Romulan fleet is arming and locking their weapons on us! Data: Sir? Is this where the human phrase, "deep shit" comes from? Picard: Yes Data! (to the whole bridge) Suggestions anyone? Ensign: (timidly) Abandon ship? Picard: (gives a look as if he is actually considering the option) Worf: Sir! We have a hull breach Deck 11, Section 18. Picard: We weren't hit by weapons fire yet. On main viewer! [The Main Viewer shows a hole in the Enterprise hull and the gelatinous blob emerging from it. The blob accelerates away from the Enterprise and towards the Romulan flag ship. The Romulans fire on the blob, but without effect. The blob impacts on the Romulan flagship and enters it.] Picard: Quick! While their distracted! Warp 9! Any direction! Data: (dissapointed) But sir, the blob has the copy of the tech manual that I borrowed from Matt.... Picard: Never mind that! Get us out of here Ensign! Ensign: (bouncing in her chair and grinning ear to ear) Okey dokey! (she gets a great deal of joy out of engaging the engines with her index finger) I love this job! I get to push all kinds of neat buttons and say smart things! I like this a lot! And this chair is really neat too! Did you know that this table thingy in front of it swings out of the way so I can get out of the chair! (she demonstrates and sits back down) And this display is sooo pretty! Look at all the neato colors and shapes! And I just love sitting next to Wesley! He's sooo cute and smart and handsome! I love doing this job! I get to sit in the front and no one blocks my view out the front window! I love to see the stars streaming by! Whoosh! There goes another one! But that Romulan guy was scary. He wasn't a nice man. And that blob and the mess it made was kinda gross. But we beat them! Yay! You know what I'd like to do? I want to fire a photon torpedo. Can I mister Warf? Please! (Worf growls) Maybe not today.... I love this job! Can I do it next week too? [The regular bridge crew gives the flamboyant Ensign a "where in the hell did you come from" look.] Picard: (Pleading) Ensign, please, just do your job.... [Exterior shot of the Enterprise accelerating away from the Romulan fleet. A huge explosion appears behind the Enterprise and engulfs the field of view.] [New Scene: Much later. Crew on bridge. Picard in command chair. Riker at Picard's side. Wesley at navigation. Data at Ops. Worf at tactical. Geordi at a rear science station.] Picard: So, Riker, how did you manage to survive when the blob punched through the bulkhead? Riker: You wouldn't believe it sir.... One of those decorative wall panels, came off the wall and plugged the hull breach left by the blob. Picard: Amazing! You must tell me more about this blob and it's culture sometime. Riker: Quite frankly sir, I rather not. It turns my stomach. Picard: Maybe your right. The whole idea of that thing in my quarters just makes me violently ill..... (Turning to Wesley) Ensign, plot a course for the USS Johnson. Wesley: Course plotted and laid in. Picard: Engage! [Exterior shot of the Enterprise going to warp and disappearing in a 'flash'] [Music and credits roll] =================================================================== PREVIEW Announcer's Voice: Next time on Star Trek: The New College Generation..... [Enterprise confronting a huge Borg cube.] Announcer's Voice: A confrontation in deep space that leads the Federation to the brink of disaster.... [New scene: In the aft observation lounge. Picard at sitting at the table head. Data, Worf, Riker, Geordi, and Dr. Crusher seated around the table.] Announcer's Voice: And an enemy within.... Data: Sir I believe that we have saboteurs on-board. [New scene: Borg cube stationary above a planet. The Enterprise sweeps down on it, firing phasers and photon torpedoes. Big explosions, but no visible effect on the Borg.] Announcer's Voice: Who will exact the final act of revenge? [New scene: Main bridge. Crew at usual stations. Picard standing in front of main viewer. Main viewer shows the Borg.] Geordi: Sir! The warp core has reached critically unstable levels and the emergency shut down mechanism has been sabotaged! Borg: Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimilated or destroyed by the Monroe Hill collective. [Close up shot of Picard] Picard: (calmly) Mr. Worf, fire at will. [Freeze frame] Announcer's Voice: In the next exciting episode of Star Trek: The New College Generation!