STARTREK: THE NEW COLLEGE GENERATION EPISODE 4: The Naked Here By Spaceman SPiff Creative Credit to Da Teach Technical Advisory: Matt Leonard Dedicated to John Norton You will be miss be the entire Johnson 200's ================================================================= CAST (In order of appearance) Announcer------------------Bill Rowland Picard-------------------Jeffery Miller Dr. Beverly Crusher--------------Anita! Wesley Crusher---------------Timmy Dude Spak (Ferangi)------------------Mark R. Chief O'Brien--------------Matt Leonard Keiko-----------Suzzanne (Matt's Woman) Worf--------------------------THE ROCK! Data------------------------------SPiff Riker--------------------------Peeeeter Q----------------------------------Aldo Geordi--------------Col. Hafez Al Baruk Ensign of The Week---------Lisa Deyerle Captain Chuck---------------------Chuck Excelsior Crew---------2nd floor Malone (including the streakers) S'een Tihm--------------------Sean Timm Wing Mahn (Klingon)---------------Casey ================================================================= [New Scene: A beautiful fuzzy shot of a field of wavy long grass on a sunny day. The grass waves in a the breeze and pollen floats through the air with the butterflies.] Announcer's Voice: (in Bill's usual boring monotone.) Ah spring! That beautiful time of the year when nature awakens from her winter time slumber. All the buds bursting on the trees and the little bunny rabbits coming out to play in the warm meadow. The time of year when the thoughts of men, young and old, turn to flights of fancy and .... SEX! [Scene changes to Picard skipping down a corridor on the Enterprise.] Announcer: (monotone) Yes, not even the proudest of men is immune to the ancient drive of survival and reproduction. [We hear Picard's voice in the background as if it is his thoughts.] Picard's Voice: Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex........ Announcer: (monotone) And what of the fairer sex? [Camera angle shifts to follow Picard skipping towards the junction of two corridors. Dr. Crusher steps out from hiding and gives Picard a hypo-spray of knock-out drug in the arm. Picard collapses and Crusher immediately starts to drag him away by the feet.] Announcer: (monotone) Well, they have to get their man. [Fade to black.] [Opening music and Credits] [New Scene: Picard is lying on a bed in his uniform, with his head propped up on two pillows. We start with a shot of just his unconscious stern face and slow zoom out to see he is in Dr. Crusher's quarters. Dr. Crusher steps into the shot and approaches the bed. She kneels down on the far side of the bead and whispers in Picard's ear.] Dr. Crusher: (quietly cooing) Jean Luc..... Jean Luc.... It's time to wake up my handsome prince.... Picard: (sits up with a start and startles Dr. Crusher. She jumps back a bit) Where? Where am I!?! (noticing where he is.) Oh no. No. I have work on the bridge to do right now. (starts to get off the bed) Dr. Crusher: (Pushes Picard back down on the bed. And coos) Silly goose. It's time for your annual physical. [Scene shifts to an exterior shot of Crusher's door.] Picard: (desperate) What about Wesley? Crusher: (still cooing) He's my son, Jean Luc! I can't do that! Picard: (grasping at straws) He'll come back! Crusher: Then let's give him a real shock! Now hold still.... Picard: (reluctantly giving in) Oh, very well, if you insist. Crusher: That's more like it! [New Scene: Pan across Ten Forward. Wesley is in his usual spot in the corner ogling women. Keiko and O'Brien walk by holding hands. Riker is with a woman at a table. She stands to leave and he does to, but she slaps him and he falls back down in his seat. As the woman storms out, Data and Worf walk in. Data and Worf approach the bar and Spak pops up.] Spak: (itching for a sale) Hello. Isn't it a nice day! All the people in love and holding hands. Worf: (disgusted) Quite frankly it makes me sick! Spak: (inching away from Worf) Oh. Well, what will you have? Data: We will have to Crystal Pepsi's. Spak: Sorry. No can do. Return to sender. My Crystal Pepsi's are not for sale. Worf: (ready to through the Ferangi barkeep across the room) Then we'll just have those bottles of Mountain Dew. Spak: (glad to get rid of the Mountain Dew) Of course! Good choice. May I interest you in four or five? Worf: (growls) Data: Just two please. Spak: (Puts the bottles on the bar.) Come again. Vayas con dios. Cevo Horosheva. [Data and Worf take their drinks and walk over to Riker's table. Riker is still just sitting in shock.] Data: Sir, may we join you? Riker: (could careless) Sure. Worf: (Data and Worf sit down) Women trouble sir? Riker: (exasperated) Yeah. Isn't it always? Data: Knowing you, there is also a 50% chance that a problem with your sleep habits has developed. Worf: (proudly) I can help you. I never have women trouble. Data: (begins to open his mouth but then thinks better of it.) Riker: (whining) It's just that they're so... so.... so logical some times. It's like dealing with Data. They think before they act and it just.... Arghhh! Data: (logically) Thinking before acting is a logical chain of events. Riker: You don't understand Data. Women are impossible. There is this women that I have absolutely fallen for, (Data and Worf raise their eyebrows and look at one another.) She's perfect, she's smart, she's beautiful, she's a great dancer, and she wants to be my FRIEND. Data: (cocking his head to the side in confusion) Friendship is not bad. What is wrong. Worf: (irritated with data and shifting uncomfortably, in a low tone) Data, he dose not what to be her FRIEND. Data: (more confused) Then why would he seek her company? Riker: (throwing his hands up in the air) I give up! You androids are hopeless! Worf: This is what happens when you start educating women. [The computer chirps] Geordi's Voice: (urgently) Lt LaForge to Cmdr. Riker. Do you know where the Captain is? He is late for his bridge shift. Data: That is unlike the Captain. Riker: (to Geordi) I'm on my way. Worf: This is a security matter, I will come. [Worf and Riker get up and leave Data by himself at the table. Data remains sitting in contemplation. With a flash of light, Q appears in the chair next to Data. Q is dressed like a Starfleet Admiral.] Q: Ah, my poor little wooden head! Can't understand the lustful feelings of men. They're quite mundane really. I don't know why you bother yourself. Data: (uncomfortable with Q's presence) I think I'll go discuss this with Spak.... Q: What ever. Spak will just tell you the same sordid stories that men will tell; of lost loves and lost opportunities. And SPAK will try to sell you half a pizza. It's nothing like what I can offer you Data. I can make you feel it with a snap of my fingers. (snaps his fingers in Data's face) Data: (cocks his head and raises his eybrows) Thank you for the offer, but I think the struggle to comprehend is more important than the final result in this case. Q: (laughs) Ha! We'll see. I'll be watching you. (He disappears in a flash of light.) [New Scene: Outside Crusher's quarters. Worf stands on one side of the door crouched with phaser in hand and Riker is crouched on the other side. Worf has his ear to the door and listens intently.] Worf: (puzzled) I hear.... breathing. Geordi's Voice: (alarmed) The computer is reading the Captain's vital signs at elevated levels! He must be in cardiac arrest! Riker: (nods to Worf) Worf: Computer. Emergency security access to Dr. Crusher's quarters! Authorization lambda, two, five, six, twenty four, green, sixty two, hut, hut, hike! [The doors slide open and Worf dashes in with his phaser drawn.] Crusher: (screaming) What the hell! Worf! [Riker peers in and turns away, dropping his head in embarrassment. Worf emerges from Crusher's quarters red as a beet. The doors close behind him as he hangs his head in shame and tries to be as inconspicuous as possible. A crew member walks by and Riker begins to whistle nonchalantly.] Worf: (trying to cover up) I... It was an honest mistake. Riker: (shaking his head) Yeah it was! [They walk away. Shortly, Wesley bounces up to the door and enters. The doors closes behind him.] Wesley's Voice: (Yelling) Ewwwww! Mommmm! [New Scene: In Main Engineering Geordi has an access panel open an is using one of his neato tools to fix something or other. A young gorgeous female engineer walks by and Geordi turns his head to follow her. His jaw drops and he's almost drooling. He looses track of what he is doing and sparks begin to fly from the access panel. Geordi is snapped back to reality by his hand being burned. Geordi drops his tool on the floor and clutches his burned hand. Data walks up to the panel, picks up Geordi's tool, and fixes the malfunction.] Geordi: Thanks Data! I guess I lost track of what I was doing. Data: Even though the writers have tried to have you blow something each episode, I thought it would be prudent to avert catastrophe. I would suggest that in the future, you set your visor so that you can't see through people's cloths while you are on duty. Geordi: (turning red) Thanks Data. (walks out cradling his hand) [Data picks up the repairs where Geordi left off and is then interrupted by the intercom.] Ensign's Voice: Ensign Deyerle to Commander Data. Data: (hits his com badge) Data here. Ensign's Voice: (timidly) Great. Would you please do me a little favor. Could you come help me with the science station on the bridge. Data: (drops what he is doing) I'll be right there. Ensign: (relieved) Thanks A LOT. [Data leaves and the panel begins to smoke.] [New Scene: The Bridge of the Enterprise. Riker is sitting in on the right of the command chair. Worf is at tactile, Wesley is at navigation, and the Ensign of the Week is at a science station in the back. Data exits the turbo lift onto the bridge and approaches the Ensign.] Data: (to the Ensign) How may I be of assistance. Ensign: (relieved, smiling) Oh. I'm so glad you came. How do I work this thing. Data: (proceeds to explain what buttons to push for which buttons and demonstrates. The ensign looks on intently. Data finishes.) Now, run an high band analysis on the real time sensor output. Ensign: (tries and fails) What am I doing wrong. Data: (demonstrates) You didn't patch into the sensor arrays, like this. Ensign: (smiles) I knew that. You're so technical Data. [Q pokes his head upside down through the ceiling behind the Ensign. Data can see him, but the Ensign can't. Q grins and gives Data a thumbs-up sign. Data is startled and annoyed. Q disappears as the Ensign turns around to look at what has caught Data's attention. She sees nothing, shrugs, and smiles.] Data: (puzzled at Q's action and the Ensign's remark) I am an android. [The turbo lift doors open and Picard steps onto the Bridge. He notices his fly is open and turns around to fix it. Worf and Riker are silent. Picard walks down and takes his seat as usual.] Data: Captain, where were you earlier? [Picard shifts nervously and Riker stares at his feet while Worf looks at the ceiling. Wesley giggles. Worf's terminal chirps.] Worf: (thankful for the interruption) Sir. We have detected a Federation ship that has drifted into Klingon space. It is the Excelsior. Picard: (breathing a sigh of relief) Hail them Mr Worf. (to Wesley) Plot an intercept course and engage. [Data walks down and takes his station at ops. The Ensign walks to the turbo lift and waves bye to Data. Data hesitantly raises his hand and gives a little awkward wave, looking around to see everyone else on the bridge watching him. He quickly puts down his hand and becomes absorbed in his duties.] Wesley: (Leaning over towards Data and whispering) She's hot man. Go for it. Data: (mimics Wesley) Go for what? Wesley: (chuckles) Forget it man. Data: (shrugs) [New Scene: The Enterprise drops out of warp and approaches the USS Excelsior, which is leaning to one side and drifting.] [On Enterprise Bridge] Picard: Open hailing frequencies. (waits for Worf to give him a nod, then continues) This is Captain Picard of the starship Enterprise. Are you in need of assistance. [The Main viewer flickers and Captain Chuck appears. The entire bridge crew of the Excelsior is acting strange.] Chuck: (Doing his best Madonna impression and grabbing his crotch, sings) Justify your love.... Picard: (serious) Are you aware that you are in violation of treaty by being in Klingon space. Chuck: (continues pretending he is Madonna) [The shimmer and sound of a transporter happens over by the turbo lift doors and four totally naked men carrying a screaming clothed woman materialize. The run around the Enterprise Bridge three times yelling and then are transported back to where they came from. Picard sits down in his chair in total shock.] Data: Intriguing. Isn't Captain Chuck the Ensign of the Week last episode? Riker: (feeling jilted) Yeah, but everyone gets offered command before I do. Worf: Sir, there are reports coming in from all decks of these.... streakers. Picard: (mumbling in shock) They are mocking me. They mock me. (yelling and pounding his fist) They will not get away with this. Not with Jean Luc Picard on shift! Riker: (ignoring the captain's outburst.) I'll lead an away team over there to see what's going on. Data! Worf! Ensign Deyerle! Ensign's Voice: (on the intercom) Here sir! Riker: (commanding) Join us in transporter room three. Wesley: (whining) I want to go too! (Everyone just ignores him.) [Worf, Data, and Riker exit via the turbo lift. Picard continues to sit in shock as Captain Chuck dances on the view screen. The Bridge rocks with the force of an explosion and the red alert sounds.] Worf: Sir! The port nacelle has just exploded! Picard: Picard to Engineering! What's going on? [Geordi stands in Engineering next to the access panel he was working on earlier. Flames are coming out of the access panel.] Geordi: @#%$#@!#!!! [On Bridge] Picard: Very well, repair it quickly. We are in Klingon space and I don't want to hang around to long. Geordi's Voice: @#$!#%$#!!! Aye Sir. !@##$!! [New Scene: Worf, Riker, Data, and Ensign of the Week. Materialize in a corridor on the Excelsior. Data flips out his tricorder and begins to take measurements as Worf and Riker watch the corridor attentively with phasers drawn.] Data: Sir. I am reading four humanoids approaching from that direction. (points down the corridor) Riker: Phasers on stun! (He couches in the middle of the hall ready to fire.) [The four naked guys appear all running in a line. Data, Worf, and the Ensign duck into doorways. The ensign drops her phaser and covers her eyes with her hands. Riker is trampled by the four streakers. The streakers disappear down the corridor and Riker lays on the floor groaning.] Ensign: Are they gone? I didn't see anything. Not a thing. Data: (helping Riker up) Those were the same four men who streaked the bridge earlier. Riker: Let's split up and find out what's going on. Data and Worf. You go that direction. (points in the direction the streakers went) The Ensign and I will go this way (points in the other direction). Data + Worf: Aye sir. [Data and Worf start off down the hall. Data covers Worf while Worf opens doors and checks them out. In one room, Data a Worf find two people unconscious and many many bottles and cans thrown around the room. Data takes readings with the tricorder while Worf stays on guard.] Data: I believe that a "wild party" has occurred in this room. Worf: Brilliant deduction. [A scream of anguish that sounds like Riker rings out. Data and Worf run back down the corridor and find Riker laying on the floor rolling in pain. The Ensign is standing near by. She has dropped her phaser again and seems very disturbed and unsure of what to do.] Ensign: I'm sorry. I'm sooooooooooo sorry. Data: What happened? Ensign: Well, I was ahead of him, and I stopped, and he accidently ran into me, and I turned around and.. and... and kicked him in.... in..... in.... Oh I can't say it. (covers her face with her hands) Worf: (examining Riker) She kicked him in the balls. [The communicator chirps] Picard's Voice: Data what's going on over there? Data: Sir. Ensign Deyerle had accidently crushed Commander Riker's gonads. Please beam us directly to sick bay. Riker: (in an extremely high pitched squeal) Help! Help me! [Later in sick bay on the Enterprise. Riker lays on a table writhing in pain. Dr. Crusher approaches wearing goggles.] Crusher: Now this will only hurt for a second. (pulls out a chain saw and starts it) I perform castrations every day. [Exterior shot of the doors to kick bay. With the sounds of Riker screaming. Riker exits and runs down the hall. Crusher appears at the door with her chain saw idling.] Crusher: (amazed) What a miraculous recovery! [New Scene: Geordi, Picard, Data, Worf, and Dr. Crusher are in the aft observation lounge for a conference.] Data: Sir, I believe that the Excelsior is no threat to us. They just appear to be "drunk off their butts." However, I would worry about how the Klingons would react to our presence in their territory. Picard: Agreed. Lt. LaForge, how much longer until we can get our engines back online. Geordi: I'm afraid that I can't have the warp engines back online for at least four more hours. Picard: We don't have four hours. (pounds his fist on the table) Crusher: (coos) Oh Jean Luc. I love it when you're so forceful. Picard: (winks at Dr. Crusher) Riker's Voice: (on the intercom) Captain. A Klingon bird of prey has decloaked and has opened communications with the Excelsior. Picard: On our way. [Everyone exits to the bridge.] [On the bridge. Picard to the Command chair, Crusher on his right, Worf to tactile, Data to Ops, Ensign of the week is already at navigation, Riker is already to the left of the command chair, Geordi enters the turbo lift to go to engineering. On the Main viewer the screen is split to show Captain Chuck and Klingon Commander S'een Tihm arguing.] S'een Tihm: (visibly irritated) You will leave Klingon space NOW! Captain Chuck: (sticks out his tongue) Pttttttthhhh! [Communications are cut and the main viewer shows only Captain Chuck.] Chuck: (a bit tipsy) Hey! Look it's Captain Picard! (he steps forward and runs into his viewer screen) Come join the party John Luck! Worf: Captain! The Klingons are powering up their weapons. [Exterior shot. The Enterprise is a good distance from the Excelsior. Both ships are dead in the water. The Klingon bird of prey sweeps down on the Excelsior and fires a photon torpedo, which puts a nice hole in the front of the Excelsior's saucer section. The Klingons sweep around again and takeout the Excelsior's starboard nacelle with their disruptors.] [On the Enterprise bridge] Chuck: (swaying on the viewer) Hey! What was that! Worf: Sir. A second Bird of Prey is decloaking. Picard: (panicking) Signal surrender. NOW! I don't want to die bald! [Main view flickers and the Klingon Commander Wing Mahn] Wing Mahn: (gloating) Ah! Picard! So we meet again. An what pray tell brings you to OUR space. Picard: (whining) Well, we uh... came to assist the Excelsior... uh and we... well... our engines blew up. (nervously chuckles) Could you let us go please? Wing Mahn: (With a shrewd smile on his face) Say.... pretty please. Picard: (drops to his knees) Oh, pretty please. With sugar on top? Wing Mahn: (laughs) Okay. (to his crew) Signal S'een Tihm to break off his attack. (to Picard) Have a nice day! (laughs and terminates communications) Crusher: (to Picard) You're pitiful! What did I see in you! I don't believe I actually..... Argh! (She storms off the bridge) [everyone looks at Picard] Picard: (exasperated) WHAT!?! Ensign: (gets up to leave and turns to the bridge crew) Thanks. I really liked being Ensign of the Week! (she walks over to Data and hugs him. Data, unsure of what to do reacts with a reluctant hug back.) Thanks for your help Data. (She walks to the turbo lift and exits) Data: (has a puzzled look on his face) [Q appears in a flash next to Data] Picard: (Yelling at Q) Q!! Get off my bridge! Q: (annoyed as if a mosquito just bit him) Shut up! (snaps his fingers and Picard disappears.) (turns to Data) Well Data, Do you understand now? About women? Data: I am an android. I do not feel emotions. None the less, she is a friend. Q: (shaking his head) My poor little Pinocchio. (snaps his fingers and disappears. Picard reappears in his chair, bound and gagged) Data: (Blinks and jerks his head as if he just realized something. He turns to Riker.) Sir, may I take my leave from the bridge. Riker: (smiles) Sure Data, go ahead. [Data walks briskly to the turbo lift and enters it. As the door's close we hear him start to whistle. Worf shifts his stance and rolls his eyeballs. Riker grins.] [Exterior shot of the Enterprise going to warp and fade to black.] [Theme Music and Credit's Roll]