STARTREK: THE NEW COLLEGE GENERATION EPISODE 5: CHAIN OF LUNACY, PART I By Spaceman SPiff Creative Credit to Da Teach Technical Advisory: Matt Leonard ================================================================= CAST (In order of appearance) Announcer------------------Bill Rowland Picard-------------------Jeffery Miller Worf--------------------------THE ROCK! Data------------------------------SPiff Riker--------------------------Peeeeter Dr. Pulaski-----------------Anne Bailey Wesley Crusher---------------Timmy Dude Geordi--------------Col. Hafez Al Baruk Dr. Beverly Crusher--------------Anita! Ensign of the Week--------RobMasterFunk Head Orange------------------Rob the RA Wing Mahn-------------------------Casey Klingon Extras-------Weedon First Floor Chief O'Brien--------------Matt Leonard ================================================================= [New Scene: Shot of the Enterprise doing about warp 5 with the stars streaming by. Saxophone fanfare from LA Law plays in the background.] Picard Voice Over: Captain's log. We have had a small change in crew lately. Dr. Crusher has taken a vacation to "have her space." As her temporary replacement, we have been assigned Dr Pulaski. [Shot of bridge. Picard in command chair. Riker to Picard's right. Data at Ops. Worf at tactical. Wesley at navigation. Dr. Pulaski is standing in front of Picard complaining. Picard pretends to listen intently] Pulaski: (bitching) ...and what kind of a ship is this where all the crew seem to be scared to death of the Doctor. What in the hell is a chain saw doing in MY sick bay. Riker: (crosses his legs) Picard: (being diplomatic) I really think that you're over- reacting. This is a fine ship and you are a fine doctor. I'm sure all will be well in time. Pulaski: (rolls her eyes) Don't you try to sweet talk me! Data: (without turning around, continuing his work) The captain has a history of "sweet talking" the chief medical officer. Wesley: (nods) Pulaski: (stomps her foot and starts for the turbo lift letting out an exasperated sigh.) I'll fix you all! I'm student council president you know! Picard: (Gets up to stop Pulaski.) Come now Kate, we've had a tumultuous past, but I think we should put it all behind us and be professional. However, I still love you. Riker: (makes a gaging noise) Pulaski: (reaches the turbo lift and turns to confront Picard one last time.) I'm sorry Jean Luc, but I just don't love you. Never have. Never will. [The turbo lift doors open and Pulaski steps into the turbo shaft. Unfortunately, the turbo lift car is not there and she plunges twelve decks to her death. Picard rushes to the turbo lift doors and is quickly joined by Worf, Riker, and Data. They stare into the abyss.] Worf: Good riddance. Data: (logically) A most unfortunate event. Now we have no medical officer on board. Riker: (consoling Picard) Sir, you must feel terrible. Picard: (his head hung) I most certainly do, Number One. I wish I had pushed the bitch! [Fade to black] [Theme music and opening credits] [New Scene: Enterprise enters orbit around an earth-like planet] Picard: (Voice over) Captain's log... supplemental. We have arrived at the planet Orange on the edge of Federation on an errand of the utmost importance. Elements in the Klingon Empire, hostile to the Federation, have reportedly set up a secret base on Orange from which the plan to launch "super soaker" attacks against the Federation. [Switch to bridge. Picard in command chair. Riker to Picard's right. Data at Ops. Worf at tactical. Ensign of the Week at navigation. Dr. Crusher sits to Picard's left. Geordi exits the turbo lift and takes a science station aft.] Crusher: (genuinely disappointed) I wish I had got a chance to see Dr. Pulaski before she left. We had so much to catch up on. Why did you say she left early? Picard: (shifts nervously trying to come up with a good lie) Worf: (cocks his head to his side and says seriously) She decided she wanted to ... drop out of starfleet. Crusher: (puzzled) How odd. Picard: (uncomfortable) Well, yes. But really, the Oranginas are waiting. Data: (turning from his station to Picard) That is the Oranges sir. Picard: (brushing off his mistake) What ever. (commanding) Data, Worf, Riker, Crusher, join me in transporter room three. It's time to confront the Yellows. La Forge, you have the com. Data: Oranges, sir. Picard: (shrugs and goes to the turbo lift followed by the rest of the bridge crew, minus Geordi who takes the command chair.) [New Scene: A large open courtyard, looking much like Pav XI, with a waiting diplomatic delegation. The delegation consists of the Head Orange and his three top aids. The shimmer of a transporter beam reveals Picard and company opposite the delegation.] Head Orange: (warmly to Picard) I, William of Orange salute you and your proletariat to our quiescent globe. How may we be of utility to you and your superiors. Picard: (Under his breath to Data) Data, use the universal translator. Data: (discretely to Picard) Sir, it appears to be some kind of legal jargon. I'll need some time to crack it. Riker: (whispering to Picard) Sir, they need an answer just say something. Remember, we're a superior technological race. We can just blow up their planet if we screw this up. Picard: (nodding to Riker) You're right Number One. (to Head Orange) Thank you for the welcome. We come in peace to discuss the possible subversive occupation of your planet by the Klingons. Head Orange: (using a pleasant tone) We have no virtual discovered cognizance of what you have related in your previous reply. We therefore are not required by convention to comply with your request. Picard: (smiles pleasantly) Ah, yes. (panicked turns to Data) What's taking you so long. Can't you see I'm dying here. This isn't funny at all. Data: (working frantically) Almost there sir. Worf: (quietly) Just stall a bit longer sir. Picard: (nervously turns back to the idiotically smiling Head Orange and rubs his hands together nervously.) So.... How about those Braves? Head Orange: (raises an eyebrow) Data: (interjecting) We have it sir. Picard: (looks up and mutters) Thank you lord. (to Head Orange) Could we start this over. Head Orange: (dead serious) I am troubled in the verity that in your preceding pronouncements you neglected to explicate to us your adeptness in sundry affairs. Picard: (looks at Data) Well? Data: (scratches his head) Beats the crap out of me. Wing Mahn: (steps out from behind a wall behind the Enterprise crew) I couldn't have said it better myself. (commanding) Kahng Sha! [Klingon extras emerge from their hiding places and surround the stunned Enterprise crew. Worf, the Klingon wuss, draws his phaser but is hit from behind and knocked to the ground. Data hits his communicator.] Data: Enterprise, emergency beam out procedure now! [Data dematerializes] [In transporter room three, O'Brien is at the controls as Data materializes and looks around.] Data: (puzzled) Where are the others? O'Brien: (equally puzzled) Was I suppose to get them too? (hits himself in the forehead) I knew I forgot something! Data: (walks over to the controls and attempts to beam up the rest of the landing party.) A force shield has been raised at the landing party's location. (Data looks at O'Brien sternly) O'Brien: (shrugs) Oops? [Back on the planet's surface, Picard, Crusher, Riker, and Worf are confronted by Wing Mahn.] Wing Mahn: (mocking Picard) So, the great Picard thought that he could meddle in our master plan. Well, he doesn't look so great too me now. Picard: (Falls on his knees and starts to sob) Oh please let us go! Wing Mahn: This pitiful display no longer amuses me. Stand up! Picard: (stands and pulls himself together.) [Wing Mahn takes a step closer to Picard and kicks Picard in the shin as hard as he can. Picard falls to the ground writhing in pain. Crusher drops to a knee beside Picard and does a medical scan.] Crusher: (giving Wing Mahn a dirty look) You animal! You're worse than Worf! Wing Mahn: (laughing) Now, that was amusing. Worf: You have no honor, kicking a coward like that! Riker: Yeah! What he said! (pointing at Worf) Wing Mahn: (spits at Worf's feet) The day the son of a traitor gives me lessons in honor, monkeys will fly out my butt. Take them away! [Klingons move in a take away Riker, Worf, Picard, and Crusher.] Crusher: (kicking and screaming) I'm a liberated woman God dammit! Get you're paws off me! I have PMS so just watch it! [New Scene: Main engineering. Data a Geordi are fiddling with the controls.] Data: (in the middle of another boring explanation) .... and that should allow us to beam them safely through the shields. Geordi: (yawns) Yeah, whatever. Let's just do it. This plot is getting ridiculous. [Data and Geordi do some button pushing and then Data hits his comm badge.] Data: Data to O'brien.... Try it now chief. [In the transporter room] O'brien: Aye sir. (hits some buttons at the control stand) Energizing.... [Nothing happens] O'brien: (puzzle) Sir? Nothing happened. And it wasn't my fault this time. [In engineering. Data's headless smoking body lays on the floor. Geordi is near by looking around frantically.] Geordi: (distressed) Data's lost his head! [In the transporter room] O'brien: (mumbling) I'll say. He's fucked up the damn transporter. Now we're in deep, our fix-it-all plot device is broken! [Geordi in Engineering] Geordi: (Seriously worried) No! His head is missing! (hits his comm badge) LaForge to Wesley! Come down here the transporter is broken, Data's head is missing, Picard is lame, and you're the only plot device that's left to save us! [On the main bridge Wesley is sitting in the command chair with the Ensign of the Week at navigation.] Wesley: (Starts to bounce) Oh boy, oh boy! It's time for me too save the day! (to the Ensign) Mr Funk, you have the bridge! Oh boy! I love saving the day! (runs off and exits via the turbo lift.) Ensign: (watches Wesley leave then cautiously gets up from navigation.) Good riddance, maybe he'll be knock out too. Then I'll be captain! (He straightens his shirt like Picard and hesitantly approaches the command chair on the empty bridge. He cautiously sits down and shift around in the command chair a little like he's trying it out.) Well, I guess I'm in charge now. (pauses and thinks) I have all this power, I've got to have some fun. (pauses again) Computer ship wide intercom. (computer whistles "all hands") This is Captain Funk.... [Shot of corridor with assorted crew walking down it they all stop what their doing to listen to the announcement.] Ensign's Voice: Strip poker and a keg of Killian's Red in my quarters. ENGAGE! [The crew cheers and starts to party.] [Much later on the main bridge. There is definitely a major party going on. People are all over, drinking, dancing, and just laying on the floor. Ensign of the Week sits at navigation with a babe sitting in his lap. Everyone is rip roaring drunk. One crew member pukes in Picard's chair.] Ensign: (swooning to the babe in his lap) Watch this! [Exterior shot of the Enterprise moving along at a good clip. It does a cuban eight and then a full barrel roll.] Babe's Voice: Ooooooooooooh! Do it again! Again! [Fade to black] TO BE CONTINUED ================================================================= PREVIEW [Black screen] Announcer's Voice: Next time on Star Trek: The New College Generation. [Shot of Picard, Riker, Worf, and Crusher sitting on the floor of a stone prison cell.] Announcer's Voice: How long will Picard and company languish in Klingon captivity.... Crusher: (Pissed off) What are you MEN going do about this?!? [Switch Scene to engineering with Wesley, Geordi, and Data's headless body.] Announcer's Voice: And what of Data's head? Wesley: Well, I think in my expert opinion that we have to find his head before we can fix him. Geordi: (hits his head) Doh! [Switch Scene to the transporter room. O'brien is testing the transporter.] Announcer's Voice: And what about our favorite plot device? O'brien: (doesn't get the transporter to work) Stupid Q%@#$@! machine! (kicks the control table) [The transporter starts working and Keiko materializes naked holding a bar of soap. She looks pissed.] O'brien: (timidly) Hi sweet'ums. [Switch scene to exterior shot of the Enterprise doing flips and turns.] Announcer's Voice: Will the Enterprise survive Captain Funk! Funk's Voice: Yaaaaaa Hooooooo! COMING FALL 1993!