STARTREK: THE NEW COLLEGE GENERATION EPISODE 6: CHAIN OF LUNACY, PART DUEX By Spaceman SPiff Creative Credit to Da Teach Technical Advisory: Matt Leonard ================================================================= CAST (In order of appearance) Data------------------------------SPiff Wesley Crusher---------------Timmy Dude Geordi--------------Col. Hafez Al Baruk Dr. Beverly Crusher--------------Anita! Picard-------------------Jeffery Miller Riker--------------------------Peeeeter Worf--------------------------THE ROCK! Klingon Guards------------Willard & Co. Chief O'Brien--------------Matt Leonard Keiko O'Brien----Suzanne (Matt's woman) Wing Mahn----------------Casey Cosgrove S'een Tihm--------------------Sean Timm Klingon Embassador---------------Ceejee Klingon Extras-------Weedon First Floor Ensign of the Week--------RobMasterFunk ================================================================= [New Scene: Wesley and Geordi in Main Engineering. Data's headless body lays on the table. Wesley is humming as he carefully examines Data. Geordi stands with his arms crossed. Wesley puts his ear to Data's chest and lifts Data's wrist with two fingers. He releases Data's wrist and watches it fall to the table with a thud. Geordi yawns. Wesley taps Data's knee with the handle of a screw driver. Data's knee jerks and kicks Wesley in the face knocking him back on the floor. Geordi snickers as Wesley picks himself up, rubbing his nose.] Wesley (confidently) Well, I think that in my expert opinion we have to find Data's head before we fix him. Geordi: (hits his head sarcastically) Doh! Wes, your supose to save the day, not tell me the obvious. Wesley: (Starts to sob) Geordi: (rushes to Wesley's side and comforts him) Now, now Wes. I didn't mean to be harsh. (pauses and thinks) Well, let's not jump to conclusions..... Wesley: (begins to bawl) I... I... I'm a failure Geordi, a quack, a charlatan. Geordi: (puzzled) Wes, what are you talking about. You've pulled through for us plenty of times. Now, just stiffen your upper lip and pull off another miracle. Wesley: (Straightens up and sucks in a breath.) Geordi: (encouraging) That's it. Suck it up! Wesley: (exhales and collapses crying again.) I can't that's what I've been trying to say. My stunt double always did all that stuff! I'm nothing more than a pretty boy! Geordi: (smacks his head) Oh brother! [Opening Music] [Theme and Credits] [New Scene: It is pitch black. Some scuffling sounds are heard. Suddenly Dr. Crusher screams.] Crusher: (exasperated) Jean Luc! Picard: (frazzled as if he has just been woken up) Huh? Crusher: (throwing a fit) Don't you EVER touch me there! Picard: (clueless) Touch you where? I'm way over here in the corner. Crusher: (calm) Oh. (out for blood) Riker! You Pig! [*SMACK* (Crusher obviously whacks someone good)] Riker: (protesting) I didn't do it! [The lights in the cell come on. Everyone squints as if they have been in the dark for a long time. They are in a bare stone cell with a high ceiling and a single metal door with a barred window. Picard sits propped up in on the floor the corner by the door with his ankle in a bandage. Riker is sitting next to him. Crusher is in the opposite corner. As the lights come on, Worf scuffles across the floor away from Crusher with a black eye. Picard and Riker give Worf shocked looks] Picard: (Shocked beyond belief) MR WORF! Riker: (extends a hand to Worf and grins ear to ear) Way to go! Klingon Guard: (appears at the window in the door) SILENCE! I don't want to have to babysit a bunch of Federation whiners. Worf: (stands and proudly states) Klingons, even those who are Federation officers, do NOT whine. Klingon Guard: (laughs at Worf and points at his black eye) Obviously, they don't duck either! [The Klingon guard walks away and Worf sits back down humiliated next to Riker. Crusher glares at the three of them across the cell.] Crusher: (Pissed off) What are you MEN going do about this?!? Picard: (breaks the silence) Well, I'm quite comfortable right here. [Riker and Worf nod in unison] Crusher: (exasperated) Aren't you even going to TRY to escape. [Picard twists his face] Riker: (rationalizing) I think I rather stay here that fight those big nasty Klingons outside. They could knock out one of my teeth, break my nose, maim me for life.... Then how will I get the women. (nudges Worf) Worf: (afraid of Crusher, nursing his eye) Ditto. What ever he said. Crusher: (stands up) Well, don't expect me to take you with me when _I_ break out of here. (she starts to pace) Picard: (Leans over and whispers to Riker) Number One. Riker: (whispering) Yes sir. Picard: (whispering) Remind me never to assign Dr. Crusher to a landing party during this time of the month again. Riker: (whispering, nods) Understood sir. Worf: (joining Riker and Picard whispering) Sir, maybe we can use Dr. Crusher's... condition to our advantage. [Picard and Riker raise their eyebrows and look at each other.] [New Scene: Back on the Enterprise in main engineering. Wesley is examining Data while Geordi watches. Wesley begins to nod and turns to Geordi.] Wesley: (clears his throat) Well, I think in my expert opinion that we have to find his head before we can fix him. Geordi: (hits his head) Doh! Wesley: Don't be so hard on yourself Geordi, not everyone is as smart as I am. Geordi: (rolls his eyes) Well, lets see how Chief O'Brien is doing (hits his comm badge) Chief, have you found a way around the Klingon shields yet. [Switch to transporter room three. O'brien is engrossed with something on the monitor screen of the transporter control. The control panel is making bleeping sounds.] O'brien: (without looking up) Just a second sir..... I've nearly passed level 20. [Back in Engineering] Geordi: (irritated) Chief! Stop playing the Lemmings 500th Anniversary Game! We need to rescue the Captain. [Back in Transporter room three.] Geordi's Voice: Chief!! O'brien: (reluctantly looks up and rolls his eyes] Okay, okay, okay. I've made some progress I think I'm ready for a test. [In Engineering] Geordi: (straightens his shirt in front) Make it so. (aside to Wesley) I always wanted to say that. (grins ear to ear) [In Transporter room three] O'brien: I have a lock..... Energizing..... (Looks up from the console at the transporter pad) [The transporter begins to make the transporter sound but then "farts" and sputters.] O'brien: (starts to fiddle with the controls, building into a frenzy) Stupid Q%@#$@ machine! (kicks the control table) [The transporter starts working and Keiko materializes naked holding a bar of soap a if she had been taking a shower. She looks pissed.] O'brien: (smiles timidly) Hi sweet'ums. (To Geordi) Uh, Commander. I think there are still some bugs I have to work out. (smiles at Keiko) Keiko: (scowls) [In Engineering] Geordi: Okay Chief, let me know when you think you have it. [The whole ship shakes and Geordi is thrown into a bulk head, knocking off his visor. Wesley grabs at the nearest thing for support. He gets a hold on Data's arm and as the ship lurches, Data's arm breaks of at the shoulder and Wesley falls the deck with a thud. Geordi searches for his visor on the floor while Wesley picks him self up and holds Data's arm as if he doesn't know what to do with it. Geordi finds his visor.] Geordi: (relieved) Ah! There it is. [Geordi replaces his visor and rather than be caught holding Data's arm, Wesley tosses it into the warp core "pit" in an awkward fit of indication and guilty conscience. Wesley looks at the ceiling and begins to whistle pitifully, hoping Geordi doesn't notice Data is missing both his head AND his left arm.] Geordi: (perplexed) Boy that was quite a jolt. I wonder what put so much stress on the inertial dampeners and artificial gravity units.... [Switch scene to exterior shot of the Enterprise doing flips and turns.] Ensign Funk's Voice: Yaaaaaa Hooooooo! [New Scene: Picard, Worf, and Riker are sitting in a corner of the cell watching Crusher pace back and forth. The Klingon guard appears at the window in the door.] Klingon Guard: (commanding) Get back from the door! Now! [Riker and Worf help Picard to his feet and help him limp across the floor on his bad ankle. Dr. Crusher stops pacing and glares at the guard. The Klingon guard makes a clanging sound as he opens the door to the cell. There are two other guards with him. Dr. Crusher sees her opportunity and attacks the guard at the door. The guard is just as stunned as Picard, Riker, and Worf. Riker in shock drops his support of Picard and Picard falls with a thud to the floor between Riker and Worf. No one notices Picard writhing on the floor as Crusher scrambles the Klingon guard's manhood with a swift kick. The Klingon falls to the floor singing soprano. One of the Klingons accompanying the guard draws his phaser and shoots Crusher. Crusher isn't effected as she charges the other two guards. The other guards look at each other in shock, hurry to raise the energy level on their phasers, and fire simultaneously at Crusher. Crusher staggers, but keeps coming.] Klingon #1: (to his comrade in Klingon) Um Na PMS! Kart goth! [Subtitles: She has PMS! Set phasers!] [Close up: Klingon phaser control. The Klingon's thumb starts pushing the indicator to a higher energy. When he starts, the little display on the phaser reads "Heavy Stun." (Just for comedic potential, pretend that Klingon phasers have display readouts in English, not Klingonaise.) As the Klingon raises the energy level, the display reads, "Stun Charging Rhino", then "Stun On Coming Truck", then "Stun Sherman Tank", then "Medium Rare," then "Well Done," then "Blackened," then "Puree," then "Vaporized," then "Ridiculously High," then "Maximum Overload," then "Stun Human Female with PMS."] [Slow motion shot: Crusher staggers and regains her footing. The Klingons raise there weapons and take aim. Crusher dives at the Klingons, behind her we see Riker and Worf diving out of the line of fire. The Klingon phasers discharge and knock Crusher backwards.] [Normal Speed: Crusher hits the floor in the door way to the cell with a thud. She is breathing heavily and her whole body heaves with each inhale and exhale. (isn't she a feisty vixen?) Her eyes are open, but she appears paralyzed. The original Klingon guard pulls himself to his feet and Worf and Riker peer out from the corner they dove into. Picard still lies helpless and oblivious face down on the cell floor.] Picard: (weakly) Help! I've fallen and I can't get up! Klingon Guard: (To Crusher) Well, your quite a woman doctor! Worthy of a Klingon. Crusher: (Sees her opportunity and pulls herself together. She sits up and coos.) Well, I have been looking for a good man. (She turns and glares at Picard, Riker, and Worf. She stands and puts her arm around the guard's shoulders.) Tell me, is commander Wing Mahn.... taken? [Crusher and the original guard walk off. The other two guards usher out Riker and Worf and gun point. One of the guards takes a hold of Picard by the scruff of the neck and pulls him away with the others.] Picard: (weakly, as his disappears down the hall) Todo, I don't think we're in Kansas any more. [New Scene: Main Engineering on the Enterprise. Data's headless (and left armless) body is still there, so are Geordi and Wesley.] Geordi: (rubbing his chin) Where would I be if I were Data's head? Wesley: (shrugs hopelessly and then perks up) Attached to my neck? [Geordi reaches to strangle Wesley but is interrupt by a blinding light coming from a crack in the wall. Geordi and Wesley turn to watch the crack grow wider into an oval of light. To figures step trough the portal and Geordi shields his eyes to see who it is. The portal suddenly closes. The camera angle shifts to be a shot over the shoulders of the two figures that came though the portal. Geordi's jaw drops to the floor in shock. Wesley starts to bounce.] Wesley: (exited and pointing his finger) Hey you're....... [Camera angle turns to show Tim and Wes from "Dystopia."] Wes: (irritated, to Wesley) Hey you twerp! It's not polite to point. (he hits Wesley's hand out of the way) Tim: (to Wes) My intersatire dimensional shifter worked! We're in "StarTrek: The New College Generation!" (takes a step towards Geordi) You must be Geordi LaForge. I have something for you. (Tim holds out a gunny sack for Geordi) [Geordi takes the sack and opens it. He removes Data's head from the sack.] Geordi: (counting his blessings and praising the Lord) Thanks! Where did you guys find it! Now if I only knew where his arm went.... Wes: Well, your writer had no idea where Data's head was either, since he also plays Data and in the real world lost his head years ago, we decided to help him out. Being the writers of our own strip we understand how people write themselves into ridiculous situations and then totally screw up the plot trying to write their way out of it without something totally ridiculous happening. You see, we had no one to bail us out last semester when our comic strip became just total non- sensical garbage. We didn't want to see the same thing happen here. Geordi: You're too late. Tim: Well, that wasn't the only reason we came. We also heard that there was a killer party on the bridge. Geordi: What? Wesley: (to himself) Uh oh. Geordi: (takes a threatening stance over Wesley) Wesley! Wesley: Well, there was no one else on the bridge but Ensign Funk and... Geordi: (panicked) Oh no! The captain is going to kill me. I'm the senior officer. I'm responsible. (he rushes off for the nearest turbo lift) Wesley: (gently places Data's head on the table and turns to Tim and Wes) Those engineers. Their SO uptight and anal. I'll show you guys to the bridge. Data can wait. We'll need him later to explain all the inconsistencies in this episode like why we don't feel the Enterprise doing loop- de-loops in Engineering and things like that. [Tim and Wes nod. They all start towards the turbo lift.] Wesley: You know that you guys look nothing like you do in real life? Wes: Yeah. But who would want to read about guys that look the way we actually do. So Tim here gave me big bulky muscles and the "Tom Cruise" look.... Tim: And, the real coup is that I'm about twenty times smarter in the strip than I really am. I can't even change a light bulb in real life, let alone build a time machine. Wesley: That's okay. None of the crew of ST:TNCG are really the losers that our writer makes us out to be. [Subtitles at the bottom of the screen: Writer's note: Don't be fooled Timmy Dude really is a loser and SPiff is a big bulky stud. :-)] [New Scene: A huge cavernous room. (like the one in the end scene of "The Children of Plato" from the old Star Trek series) In a row or spectator booths sits Wing Mahn, Dr. Crusher, S'ean Tihm, and the Klingon Embassador with a bunch of Klingon extras. Dr. Crusher is dressed in a very flattering dress and is batting her eyelashes and cooing at Wing Mahn who eagerly soaks up all her attentions. Off to stage left Riker, Worf, and Picard are ushered in. All three are dress from head to toe in skin tight black leotards and have mime faces painted on them with makeup. Picard hobbles along on one crutch like Tiny Tim.] Worf: (holding back animal rage) Sir! I must protest! Klingons do NOT do mime! Picard: (quietly) I'm afraid there is nothing else we can do Mr. Worf. Wing Mahn: (above the noise of the audience) You are quite right my fair Captain. By the way, I hear that the French are quite good at mime. (the Klingons laugh) Or is that, the French like to whine? (the Klingon audience laughs even louder. Crusher joins in and laughs at Picard while giving Wing Mahn a "you're such a manly man" look. With a stern voice Wing Mahn continues.) Now just do it! Picard: (is red in the face and shaking like a volcano about to explode. A single tear streaks down his face as he bites his lip. He whispers in a trembling voice with a heavy french accent) You bastard! How dare you... you... you insult my beloved France, you steal my woman.....you insult my beloved France. I'll give you a warning shot. (Picard forcefully stumbles forward and feebly swings his crutch inches from Wing Mahn's nose.) [The audience of Klingons grows silent.] Wing Mahn: (breaks the silence with a healthy laugh. He gets in Picard's face and Picard trembles even harder. Another tear streaks Picard's face) Is that the best you can do..., you French dip. [Picard explodes, forgetting that he has a sprained ankle. He swings his crutch like a baseball bat and hits Wing Mahn square in the jaw. Wing Mahn's teeth and blood fly through the air and land in the Klingon Embassador's lap. S'ean Tihm stands and draws his phaser, but Picard gives him a swift hard kick in the stomach. S'ean doubles over and drops his phaser. Picard grabs it before it hits the floor and spins around, stunning all the guards before they can move. He throws the phaser to Worf.] Riker: (shocked) Damn sir! Worf: (now with the upper hand) Don't anybody move! Picard: (bends over and picks up Wing Mahn by the collar. Wing Mahn' face is bloody and he is barely conscience. Picard gets in his face.) Don't you EVER call me a French dip! [Picard throws Wing Mahn's limp body to the floor with a thud and takes his communicator. Crusher rushes to Picard's side and hugs him.] Worf: (concerned) Sir? Your ankle! Picard: (testing his bad ankle by hopping on it) I think that kick I gave S'ean Tihm straightened it out. Crusher: (cooing) Oh Jean Luc! My hero. Take me home! Picard: (looks as Crusher and says nonchalantly) You turned your back on me. I can't forgive you for that you cheap two timing slut. [Crusher is (forgive the pun) crushed. She begins to cry as Picard approaches Worf and Riker to leave. Picard flips open the communicator and hails the Enterprise.] Picard: Enterprise, three to beam up. Crusher: (tears streaking down her face) Jean Luc, where ever shall I go? What ever shall I do? [A tense moment as Picard freezes and slowly turns. He looks at Crusher sternly but begins to crumble.] Riker: (pleading) Sir, don't do it! [Picard can't manage a word. He nods his head and motions Crusher over to him. Crusher smiles and wipes the tears from her face. Giving a full hearted sniff, she approaches Picard and hugs him, not letting go. It's a Kodak moment as Picard pats Crusher on the back and smiles down at her.] Picard: (looks around the room at Riker, Worf, Crusher, Wing Mahn, and all the Klingons.) I can't tell any of you to go to hell.... I just can't. (He kisses Crusher on the forehead.) Plus, I was setup to use a God awful cliche and just couldn't do it. [Riker turns to Worf and outstretches his hand. Worf digs in his pocket for his wallet and slaps down a five dollar bill in Riker's palm.] S'ean Tihm: (picks himself up and fumes) This is not the last you will hear of the Klingon Empire, Pick-ard! Klingon Ambassador: (stands and reprimands S'ean in Klingonaise. S'ean hangs his head in shame as the ambassador turns to Picard) Some times, we forget that we a suppose to be allies and get carried away. Despite all the "fun" we have, some of us need a good kick in the butt as a reminder. (he eyes S'ean Tihm and Wing Mahn) You are free to go but, look froward to some more "fun" in the future. Kah Plah Picard! Picard: (holds his hand in the traditional Vulcan greeting) Gesundheit Ambassador! [The Klingons give Picard a weird look. The transporter beam envelopes Picard, Crusher, Riker, and Worf.] [New Scene: The main bridge of the Enterprise. The party is over and no one is there. The bridge is totally trashed. There are cans strewn randomly about. There are crushed tortilla chips all over the floor and some unidentifiable stains on the wall. Geordi enters from turbo lift two (at the front of the bridge). He is in total shock.] Geordi: (panicked) Oh No! (He tip toes carefully across the bridge and adjusts his visor to examine a stain on the wall.) OH NO! (He staggers backwards in shock and reels his head around surveying the death and destruction.) NO! (He starts to sit in the Captain's chair and then notices someone has puked in it. He quickly stands back up and straightens his shirt.) Get a hold of yourself. The Captain never has to know.... [Turbo lift one (at the back of the bridge) opens and Wesley, Tim, and Wes embark onto the bridge.] Tim: (disappointed) Damn! I must have miscalculated. The party's already over. Geordi: (to Wesley) This is all your fault! You left Funk in charge! (sobs) The Captain is going to kill me! Look at his chair. Whistle: (stands at tactical and peers down at the Captains chair. He convulses like he is going to puke and pinches his nose) Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! [A flushing sound is heard on the bridge and everyone turns to see Ensign Funk stagger out of a door to the aft of the bridge opposite the turbo lift. The Ensign notices Geordi and tries to stand up straight. He salutes.] Ensign Funk: (still drunk) Ensign Funk reporting for duty sir. (*hiccup*) [The Ensign collapses on the floor, face down in an open jar of cheap salsa. Geordi and Wesley look at each other. Wes starts poking around and opens the door to the aft observation lounge.] Wesley: (to Geordi) This can't be that bad. On all the major sitcoms this happens and the parents ALWAYS understand. Especially when the kids are as cute as I am. Geordi: (calming down) Your right, this could be worse. Wes: (leaning out of the aft observation lounge) It is. [Tim, Wesley, and Geordi all rush to the door and look in. Geordi turns around and walks away.] Geordi: Well, at least the Captain won't be back for a while. We haven't rescued him yet. [Turbo lift one opens and Picard, Riker, Worf, and Crusher embark onto the bridge. They stop talking with each other and the bridge falls dead silent.] Tim: (to Wes) I think we better get going. Wes: (nods) [Tim and Wes disappear in a flash of light. There is a period of very awkward silence.] Geordi: (breaking the silence and pointing his finger) Wesley did it! Crusher: (Upset, grabs Wesley by the ear and drags him into the turbo shaft) Wesley: (complaining as the doors close) Ow! Mom! I didn't do anything! I swear! It was the bogey man! No! I was Data! Yeah! It was Data! He malfunctioned and his head blew off! I can prove it...... Picard: (raises his eyebrow and looks at Funk, on the floor) Ensign Funk, I presume. Ensign Funk: (hears his name and picks his face up out of the salsa momentarily) Aye sir. Course plotted and laid in.... (passes out) Geordi: (grasping at straws) Sir... I can explain everything.... Riker: (sternly) No need Mr. LaForge! (changing to a congratulatory tone) A good officer should be able to throw a good party. Picard: (breaking a smile) Agreed number one! Congratulations are in order. (He pats LaForge on the back) I didn't think you had it in you. Well, we've all had an exciting day. I would like to get some rest.... (noticing something is missing) Were IS Mr. Data? Geordi: (nonchalantly) Oh, his head blew off his body and he's laying prone in engineering right now. And his left arm is missing too..... He'll be just fine. Riker: (surprised) WOW! Must have been quite a party. Geordi: (laughing nervously) To tell you the truth sir, I don't remember much myself. Picard: Well Number One, you have the bridge. I'll be in my quarters. Riker: Aye sir. [Worf nods with approval at Geordi then walks to tactical. He brushes tortilla chips off the console and runs his had through some spilt salsa. He examines his hand in disgust, looks to see if anyone is watching, and then wipes his hand on the back of commander Riker's uniform.] Worf: (to Riker as he wipes his hand) Sir. You have an Antarian fly on your back.... There, I got it. Riker: (turning to Worf) Why thank you mister Worf. (turns back to Geordi, with a big stain on his back) Geordi, since our helmsman is not available (gestures at Ensign Funk's body) will you please take the helm. Geordi: Yes sir. (Walks to navigation and sits down) Riker: (walks up next to Geordi) Plot a course for starbase 28008..... Engage! (he backs up and begins to sit down in the Captain's chair without looking.) [Switch to exterior view of the Enterprise cruising away. We hear a swishing sound.] Riker's Voice: LaForge what did you do to this chair! It's much more comfortable now. [End theme music and credits roll]