STARTREK: THE NEW COLLEGE GENERATION Season II Episode 2: REALM OF IMAGINARY FRIEND'S SUSPICIONS Written by Spaceman Spiff With Creative Credit to Da Teach ================================================================= Credits Lieutenant Commander Data...................Spiff Lieutenant Worf.............................ROCK! Captain Picard............................Jeffery Commander Riker...........................Peeeter Lieutenant Geordi LaForge.....Col. Hafez al Baruk Chief Miles O'brien.......................Matt L. Dr. Beverly Crusher........................Anita! Ensign Wesley Crusher..................Timmy Dude Counselor Troi............................Heather Spak the Ferangi..........................Mark R. Gianan.............................Andrea Rowland Lieutenant Barclay....................John Duncan Ensign Ro Laren...................."Kate" Gabriel Mikle (Ferangi)..........................Mike Lee Sir Charles...................................Roy Lieutenant Carroll..................Jason Carroll Computer Voice......................Richard Nuzzy ================================================================= [Exterior shot of the Enterprise going into space dock. Like the beginning of "Remember Me." Flashing lights guide the Enterprise through the gigantic doors.] Picard Voice Over: Captain's log. Star Date 47003.1. The Enterprise is making a long awaited stop over at starbase 28008 for repairs and a change of crew. Sadly, we must say good bye to Chief O'brien since he has accepted promotion and a new assignment. [Switch to view of transporter room 3. Geordi, Worf, and Data are at the controls discussing something technical and boring.] Geordi: (excited and gesturing wildly) I told you! It's all fixed! I put it back the way it was last season! Worf: (in a low voice and raising an eyebrow) I remember how the transporter worked LAST season. Data: (logical as ever) I believe that Lt. Worf is correct, last season alone, we experienced a total of six serious transporter malfunctions over five separate episodes, including the one that blew off my head. Geordi: (still exasperated and gesturing) Plot devices! That's all those malfunctions were! They were funny! (gives a force laugh) Ha! Ha! Worf: I did not find them (cocks his head) FUNNY. Geordi: (raises an eyebrow and looks at Data) Data: (to Geordi) I believe that Mr. Worf is referring to the lack of humor in Klingons. However, in my experience I have found Worf to be the exception rather than the rule for Klingon humor. For example..... Worf: (explodes) Example this Data! [Worf hits Data squarely in the jaw with his fist and Data goes flying out of the field of view. We hear a large crash. Geordi's mouth is agape in shock.] Worf: (shrugs, to Geordi in a low voice) Sorry. [With out a pause, the door opens and Geordi and Worf shift their attention to those entering. Picard and Riker accompany O'Brien, who appears to be ready for a trip.] Picard: (shakes O'Brien's hand) It's been a pleasure Chief. (lets go of O'Brien's hand and straightens his shirt) I wish you luck on your new assignment. O'Brien: (forced smile) I'm sure anything is better than here sir. Riker: (steps forward and shakes O'Brien's hand, he then steps back) It's been a pleasure sleeping with your wife. O'Brien: (looks shocked and puzzled) Riker: (turning red) Oooops! Picard: (shakes his head ruefully) Riker: (grasping at straws) I meant... It's been a pleasure serving with you. Write!.... Get it? Write us.... With a pen.... or a pencil....It's your choice. Right? Get it!?! Right? ....as in correct. O'Brien: (Gives Riker a suspicious look and mumbles to himself) [O'Brien steps onto the transporter pad with his belongings and stands ready to go. Picard steps back and gives his corny ear to ear grin.] O'Brien: Well, what the hell are ya wait'n for! I'm ready to leave this looney barge! Picard: (still smiling like an idiot) Energize Mr. La Forge. Worf: But sir...... [Picard turns a bit as Geordi nudges Worf in the ribs.] Geordi: (to Picard) Don't worry sir. Everything is alright. I fixed the little transporter glitch we had.... O'Brien: (alert and disturbed) Transporter glitch? Wait! No! [It's too late as Geordi energizes and O'Brien dematerializes in mid-sentence. O'Brien isn't gone for long though, too everyone's surprise, he materializes upside-down over the transporter pad with his luggage. O'Brien falls with a huge thud and the camera angle changes to show Picard, Riker, Geordi, and Worf grimacing, imagining the pain the O'Brien must feel. Switch back to show O'Brien jumbled all over the transporter pad. He picks himself up swearing and cursing.] O'Brien: (pushes his way past Picard and Riker) You idiotic bastards! Ye sons of motherless cows! I'm a glad to be leav'n this funny farm. I can't a take it no more! I'm taking a shuttle. (stops at the door) No! You stink'n badgers probably have booby trap'd all ye shutt'ls also! I'll just be push'n off out an airlock. That's what I'll be do'n! [The doors close behind O'Brien and there is a deadly silence. Data walks back on to the set and starts explaining the obvious] Data: Sir? I believe that O'Brien is what humans call (cocks his head) mad. Being an android, I myself cannot feel the emotion of anger....unless the plot requires it, like in "Descent." (Picard gives Data an over the shoulder "wild man, I'm going to kill you" look, Data keeps talking) The Chief's feelings are after all understandable. Since he as come on board, he has been involved in three distinct explosions and...... Picard: Mister Worf! Worf: (smiles) With pleasure sir. [Worf belts Data again. Data again flies off the screen and we hear a loud crash, but this time, someone yells] Voice off Camera: Hey! Watch where you hit him. If he hits me your all fired! I made you who you are! Don't you forget it! Worf: (hangs his head in shame) Yes sir. Mister Berman. Sir. [Fade to black] [Them Music and Opening credits] [New Scene: In ten forward. Several extras sitting at tables and doing various things. Dr. Crusher is sitting at table in the middle of the room, playing with her drink. Wesley enters and approaches the doctor. He looks distressed.] Wesley: (distressed) Moooom! (Flops down in a chair next to Dr. Crusher, who still looks disinterested.) What ever will I do!?! That INCREDIBLE woman, Keiko isn't going to be hanging around here any more. Who will I fantasize about?!? Oooooh! I'm just going to die! (he flops his head down on the table and sobs) Dr. Crusher: (looks straight forward and talks in a low voice) Don't you ever, EVER call me "mom." It was all a mistake. A HORRIBLE mistake. (Crusher tilts her head back and downs the rest of her drink.) [Wesley becomes aware that he is not going to get any sympathy from Dr. Crusher, so he stops his pitiful display. He sits up and looks around. Across the room he sees Counselor Troi sitting alone at another table. He falls right out of his chair. He picks himself up and brushes himself off.] Wesley: What a babe! Babe-o-rama! If she were a president she'd be babe-raham Lincoln! Dr. Crusher: (looks over at Troi) She's okay! I think she's the new ship's counselor. Wesley: Okay??!! She's a goddess. Shwing! I've got to meet her! [Crusher rolls her eyes as Wesley runs off. As soon as Wesley is gone, Spak pops up seemingly out from under the table. Crusher is startled.] Crusher: Eeeek! Spak: Greetings! Salutations! And how is the fine Doctor today? Crusher: (wishing Spak gone) Just fine. Spak: Have you heard? We've renamed Ten Forward. We're now calling it Runk Forward. Runk means "place that smells like dirty dishes" in Ferangi. Crusher: How appetizing. [Gianan approaches the table with Spak and Crusher.] Gianan: (annoyed) Spak! Get back to work! What have I told you about harassing the pretty female customers! Spak: (sniveling, slips Dr. Crusher a piece of paper under the table. Mumbles under his breath.) Slave driver. (he scurries off) Gianan: (to Crusher) Pleased to meet you. I'm Gianan. The new head barkeep. Crusher: (intrigued) Pleased to meet you. (points at Gianan's head) What's with the hat? Gianan: Oh, that's just the dome for my doppler radar. (removes her hat to reveal a spinning radar antenna.) Crusher: (freaked out) Well, nice to meet you. I've got to get going. Gianan: (waves) See ya later. [Crusher rushes out into the corridor past Wesley and Troi. As Crusher passes, Troi slaps Wesley and knocks him out of his chair. Wesley exclaims, "I'm in love!" Crusher exits to the corridor and stops to look at the piece of paper that Spak slipped her.] [Zoom in on the paper. It reads in terrible hand witting: "Meat me in the tanspotre rume at 1800 ours."] Crusher: (shrugs dryly) Why not? This could be good for a laugh. [New Scene: Transporter room three. Lt. Barclay and Ensign Ro are present, looking bored and leaning against the transporter controls. Dr. Crusher enters.] Dr. Crusher: (surprised to see Ro and Barclay) Did you get (raises her eyebrow) "invitations" from Spak also. Barclay: (startled by Crusher's entrance, stands up straight and stammers) Y-yes. Yes I did. Um.... Er.... He said it was important and..... Well..... Here I am! (clumsily drops the tool he is playing with and shrugs) Ro: (much animated and too happy) Yeah! Me too! What did he say to you? (she leans on the transporter controls with her elbow and they make a noise. She jerks back startled.) Oh no! I broke it! I just know I broke it! [The door to the transporter room opens and every one turns their attention to Spak and the other Ferangi that he escorts in.] Spak: Welcome! Welcome! I'm so glad you could come! This is my brother-in-law, Mikle. (gestures to the other Ferangi who waves and smiles) Mikle, with my help of course (!), has made an extraordinary, just fantastic break through in transporter technology. (everyone looks really skeptical. Spak walks over to the access panels in the far wall and begins to explain.) You see, one day I mailed some of my special brown gravy that we serve in Runk Forward to my good sister Druzila, Mikle's wife. And when Mikle transported the box containing my prize brown gravy onto his ship..... Mikle: (interrupting and pawing Spak) Let me tell this part brother! Spak: (smiles, quietly aside to Mikle) Sit still you sniveling fool. You'll ruin my business proposal. And DON'T CALL ME BROTHER! (turning back to Crusher, Ro, and Barclay) Anyway, to make a long story short, some of the brown gravy leaked out on the transporter pad. Mikle: (interrupting) SOME ?!? It was ALL of it you FOOL! Had you put it in jars, like any Ditron would, instead of in those cheap paper bags, none of this would have happened. Spak: (getting angry with Mikle) Do I need to hit you, or are you going to shut up? Mikle: Remember, I get ten percent more of the profits if you hit me. Spak: (fuming) Okay. OKAY! YOU TELL IT! Mikle: (overjoyed) Some of the gravy leaked into the pattern buffer and something extraordinary happened! Spak: (pushing Mikle out of the way and approaching the transporter controls) We filled the pattern buffer of this transporter to the brim with brown gravy so we could show you..... Barclay: (wailing) You filled the pattern buffer with brown gravy! That will take me weeks to clean up. Mikle: (pushes Barclay onto the transporter pad) You first! [Barclay protests, but dematerializes as Spak activates the transporter. Both the Ferangi giggle with glee. Crusher and Ro stare in horror and disbelief.] Spak: (casually) Don't worry, he's coming right back. Crusher: (angry) Spak! You've really out done yourself this time. Ro: (backing up Crusher) Yeah! What she says! Crusher: (looks at Ro weird) [The transporter begins to make noise and Barclay re-materializes apparently unharmed and in mid-sentence in his wailing tirade. But another, larger figure materializes on the transporter pad. He's HUGE. He's NAKED! He's BALD! He's PISSED! He's (dramatic music) Sir Charles Barkley! Even Spak and Mikle are shocked.] Spak: (hits Mikle over the head) You fool! What did you do! Where's the Spinach Stromboli that's suppose to be there! Mikle: (shouting back at Spak) That little rabbit punch just cost you ten percent you Ditron swine! [The Ferangi begin wrestling with each other. Sir Charles steps off the pad and Dr. Crusher gets out of his way. Sir Charles approaches Spak and Mikle, picking them both up by the ears and holding them dangling about two feet off the ground.] Sir Charles: Why do I feel that your responsible for this? (Spak begins to whine. Barkley lifts him to his face and tilts his head.) DON'T make me hurt you! Ro: (nervous and running for the door) I'm late for Bio-chem. (rushes out the door) Sir Charles: (to Crusher) Get me some cloths woman! [Dr. Crusher turns red. Barkley obviously should not have addressed her in such a manner. Lt. Barclay moves to stop Crusher but she pushes him out of the way.] Dr. Crusher: (getting in Barkley's face) Look here BUB! Give me some respect or I'm have to teach you a lesson! Barclay: (breaking the tension) Wait! Time out! (everyone turns to face Barclay) I don't know how this happened, but I know how we can still get Spak and Mikle their profit..... I could cut all of us in. (everyone gives Barclay a puzzled look) Let me explain. [New Scene: Riker and Troi are walking down a standard corridor together.] Riker: (to Troi) It's amazing how much you've already done for the crew in the few day's you've been on board. I mean, look at Lt. Barclay. A week ago he would have never entered the mud wrestling tournament. Troi: (gloating) Well, I try my best. [They come to a door and enter. Riker chivalrously steps to the side to let Troi trough first. Then Wesley comes out of now where and pushes though the door right behind Troi, before Riker can get through. Wesley turns to Riker.] Wesley: Sorry Commander, but you're just too slow. [The room they enter is a dimly lit arena with a mud pit in the center. Wesley takes a seat next to Troi and just stares at her. Troi shifts uncomfortably in her seat, not oblivious to the attention she is receiving from Wesley.] Troi: (turns and smiles at Wesley) Hi. Wesley: (smiles back) Hi. Troi: (unsure of herself) Hi. [Shift back to wide view of the arena. Spak enters wearing a tuxedo and stands near the edge of the ring.] Spak: Welcome! Welcome! Ladies, gentleman, and neuter entities! The main event tonight will be Lt. Worf. (gestures to his left) [Worf enters, bare chested, flexing his massive muscles.] Spak: (continuing) ....versus Barkley! (gestures to his right) [There is a pause and then low thuds that grow louder and louder until Sir Charles appears, towering to the right of the ring. Worf is a bit surprised.] Worf: (puzzled) This isn't Barclay! Spak: (hurrying) Keep it clean gentlemen! Go! [Sir Charles lumbers forward and picks up Worf, tossing him face down in the ring. Worf picks himself up and looks at Spak.] Worf: I MUST PROTEST! This is NOT Lt BARCLAY! I'm suppose to fight Barclay. Spak: (Smiles) Oh! You must have been confused by the phonetic similarity of Lt. Barclay and Sir Charles Barkley. (shrugs and grins) Sorry. Nothing I can do now. [Worf is dragged away from Spak, out of view. Spak grins ear to ear as he begins to count money that he is holding. In the background, the audience gasps and cringes at what Sir Charles is doing to Worf.] [Switch to view of Troi and Wesley. Troi has an expressing of absolute horror and abhorrence on her face as she watches Worf get pummeled.] Wesley: (smiling) So... want to come back to my room later. My mom won't be home. [New Scene: On the bridge of the Enterprise. Picard is in his command chair and Crusher is giving him a report while standing in front of him. Data is at Ops. Ensign Ro is at Nav. LaForge is in the rear at a science station.] Crusher: (concluding her report) .... and he'll need to stay in the full body cast for about two weeks. Picard: Thank you Doctor. I guess we'll just have to do some shuffling to cover Mr. Worf's duties in the mean time. Dismissed. [Crusher enters the rear turbo lift an as the doors close, we see her pull a wad of twenty dollar bills out of her lab coat pocket. She smiles as she begins to count.] Picard: (to Ro) Ensign Ro, would you cover tactical until Mister Worf is able to return to duty. Ro: (tickled pink) Would I cover tactical. WOULD I COVER TACTICAL! Would I ever! I love tactical! I've ALWAYS wanted to do tactical! Can I fire a photon torpedo!?!? Can I!?!? Can I?!?! Can I?!?!? (she's bouncing up and down in anticipation) Picard: (dryly) Just cover tactical Ensign. (lets a little smile out) Maybe, if your good, we'll let you fire a photo torpedo later. Ro: (gets up and starts to tactical) Yippeee! Picard: (to Geordi) Mister LaForge could you possibly..... Geordi: (starting to Nav) No problem sir. I have a new crack team down in engineering that can handle anything. [Cut to Bevis and Butthead sitting on a couch with the warp core behind them.] Butthead: This sucks! [New Scene: Runk Forward. Gianan is cleaning the bar top. Sir Charles enters and sits at the bar.] Gianan: (surprised at Sir Charles) Well, I'll be damned! If it ain't.... Sir Charles: (smiles) It is. How's it go'in Gianan? Gianan: (nodding) Fine. Fine. Still shoot'n hoops? Sir Charles: (gins ear to ear) Sure am! And how about you. You taught me everything I know..... Gianan: (blushing) Aw.... You're such a sweet talker. (puzzled) What you doing here? Sir Charles: Well, I just thought I'd drop in. And I made quite an entrance. You should have seen those two Ferangi when I materialized on the transporter pad.... Gianan: Oh! That's what happened. Spak spent all yesterday running around all worried and stuff. (sighs) It's been quite awhile Charlie. (fade out) [New Scene: On the bridge. Picard at command. LaForge at Nav. Data at Ops. Ro at tactical.] Ro: (curious) Hey! What's this little read blinking light mean? Picard: (to Data) Mister Data, would you assist Ensign Ro? Data: Yes sir. [Data gets up and goes back to tactical. After a quick examination he has a prognosis.] Data: (calmly) That is the antimatter containment field meter. The flashing light means that warp core breach is eminent. Picard: (hits the panic button) Get me engineering right now! [The main view shows engineering and Lt. Carroll appears.] Carroll: (nonchalant) Yo! Carroll here! What ya need? Picard: We are reading a potential WARP CORE BREACH. Do you confirm? Carroll: (not concerned) Oh that! Well, that's nothing. Why we dealt these back at the reactor on O-Hill all the time. (crack develops in the warp core behind him and steam starts pouring out. The techs in Engineering start running for cover.) Ooops! Nothing to worry about, just a little coolant leak. The radiation is only enough to kill one or two people. (three people fall dead behind him. He turns and looks.) Or three. Nothing at all. We have it under control soon. [We hear Bevis's and Butthead's voices but can't see them] Bevis: Hey! What do we do with this part? I like flew out of the access panel over there and it won't fit back in. Carroll: (shrugs and addresses Bevis, who isn't seen) Well, just treat it like washing cloths. If it don't fit in, don't bother with it. We'll get it next time around. Bevis: Heh. Heh. Wash is cool. Butthead: What are you smoke'in Bevis. The Wash sucks. [Momentarily the warp core catches fire and flames start shooting out.] Bevis: Fire! Fire! Fire! [The main viewer goes blank. Picard stands.] Computer: (calmly) Five minutes to warp core breach. Press 1 to record a message, 3 to listen to your messages, 8 to change your answering options, 9 to change your mailbox options and 7 to exit phone mail..... Picard: Sound red alert! [New Scene: In Runk Forward. Gianan and Sir Charles are talking and the red alert sounds.] Sir Charles: Sorry, but I got to run. I was kind of sent to do some work here. Gianan: (nods) I understand. [Sir Charles gets up to go.] Gianan: Hey! When will I see you again. Sir Charles: (turns and grins) Look you up in another century or so. (turns and leaves) [Final Scene: Engineering. The warp core is on fire and spewing steam. The techs are scurrying all over. Sir Charles lumbers in and stands before the warp core.] Carroll: (to Sir Charles) Hey! Get away from there! [Sir Charles ignores Lt. Carroll and takes a DEEP breath. He exhales, blowing out the fire. Next, he wraps his arms around the warp core and SQUEEZES tight. The beads of sweat form on his mighty brow as the cracks in the core seal under the pressure. Sir Charles stands back and admires his work. He turns to go and Carroll yells after him.] Carroll: (in amazement) Hey! Who are you? Sir Charles: (smiles) I'm the one who protects little children, cute animals, and ships named Enterprise. [Sir Charles disappears in a flash. The computer chirps] Picard's Voice: Picard to Engineering. What's going on down there! Carroll: (looks around) Well.... Um.... I fixed the warp core. I told you there was nothing to worry about. [Fade out] [Music and credits roll.]