SSSS TTTTTTT AAAA RRRRR TTTTTTT RRRRR EEEEEE K KK S T A A R R T R R E K KK SSSS T AAAAA RRRRRR T RRRRRR EEEE KKKK S T A A R R T R R E K K SSSS T A A R R T R R EEEEEE K K THE N N EEEEE W W CCC OOO L L EEEEE GGGG EEEEE N N N E W W C C O O L L E G G E N N N EEE W W W C O O L L EE G EEE N N N E W W W C C O O L L E G GGG E N N EEEEE W WW CCCC OOOO LLLLL LLLLL EEEEE GGGG EEEEE GGGG EEEEE N N EEEEE RRRR AAAA TTTTTTT IIIII OOOO N N G G E N N N E R R A A T I O O N N N G EEE N N N EEE RRRRR AAAAA T I O O N N N G GGG E N N N E R R A A T I O O N N N GGGG EEEEE N N EEEEE R R A A T IIIII OOOO N N ================================================================= STARTREK: THE NEW COLLEGE GENERATION Season II Episode 3: I'M BORED Written by Spaceman Spiff With Creative Credit to Da Teach ================================================================= Credits Captain Picard........................Jeffery Commander Riker.......................Peeeter Lieutenant Commander Data...............SPiff Lieutenant Worf.........................ROCK! Ensign Wesley Crusher..............Timmy Dude Guard #1........................Punky Meadows Guard #2 (cannon fodder)..........Steve Yoder Dr. Beverly Crusher....................Anita! Spak the Ferangi......................Mark R. Mikle................................Mike Lee Administrator Oh.....................Henry Oh Ensign of the Week...................Munho Yi ================================================================= [New Scene: Exterior shot of the Enterprise traveling at impulse speed towards a damaged nebula class starship that has a big section of its saucer missing and is lisping badly.] Picard Voice Over: Captain's Log stardate 47012.4. We recently have received orders to investigate a distress call from the nebula class starship "New Calidonia." Admiral Cherno had express concern over recent intelligence reports that her captain, Captain Yap, had been conducting unauthorized communication with the Borg. I know Captain Yap personally and although I know her to be irrational, confusing, irritating, and damn I just know that she is listening and will take this all personally AND complain about my spelling or grammar, but this, THIS about takes the cake. [Shot of the bridge. Worf at tactical, Picard in the command chair, Riker to his right, Wesley at navigation, Data at ops. Picard stands as the wreckage of the New Calidonia comes into view on the main viewer.] Picard: Mister Data. Report! Data: (punching buttons on his console) It is the New Calidonia, sir. A large section of the saucer has cut away with what appears to be a fine tuned phaser. Curiously, there is not enough debris to account for the missing piece of saucer section. Picard: (growing concerned) Life signs? Data: (hits more buttons) Negative sir. However, sensors are detecting only seven humanoid bodies. Riker: (leaning forward) What is the crew compliment of the New Calidonia? Data: (without a pause) Two hundred Seventy Eight Sir. Picard: (raising an eyebrow) A curious mystery Number One. (turns to face Riker) Commander, take Mister Worf and a security team over there to get some answers. Riker: (a little jittery) Sir quite frankly, this gives me the creeps. I wouldn't mind at all if YOU wanted to go on this away team. Picard: (overly polite) Not at all number one. Be my guest. (motions towards the turbo lift) Riker: But sir... You're always complaining that I'm over protective.... Picard: Hogwash! Go have some fun. I'll be perfectly happy right here. Riker: (reluctantly) Aye sir. Mister Worf... [Riker and Worf head for the turbo lift.] [New Scene: In the damaged engineering section of the New Calidonia. Only emergency lighting is on. The warp core is dark and assorted Heavy Beams (tm) lay about with burn marks on them. A transporter beam simmers and Riker, Worf, and two security guards materialize a foot off the floor. They fall with a thud.] Riker: (hits his comm badge) Mr LaForge! What in the hell was that! Geordi's Voice: Sorry sir. Just be thankful you didn't materialize a foot too low in the deck plate. Riker: (picking himself up) Point taken. (motions to Worf) Mister Worf check out the computers. [Worf and the security guards (cannon fodder) get up. Worf nods to Riker and they all spread out.] Guard #1: (excited) Sir! Over here! [Riker and Worf rush to where the security guard is. Worf picks up a beam off the floor attempting to uncover something. He throws the beam haphazardly, nearly hitting Riker, and hitting the second guard squarely in the chest, pinning him to the floor. Riker looks at Worf shocked. Worf shrugs as the pinned security gaurd breifly convulses and dies. Worf moves another beam, carefully placing this one to the side. Riker picks up a piece of sheet metal to reveal a body laying in the rubble. The body is a Borg!] Gaurd #2: (laying prone under the beam and protesting) Hey! I requested a funny part. Hey! Do you hear me SPiff? This isn't funny! Riker: (pissed) Damn, think of all the paper work this is going to require. [Fade out] [Opening theme and Credits] [New Scene: A briefing being given by Data in the aft lounge. Picard is at the head of the table. Riker, Geordi, Worf, Dr. Crusher, and Spak (Ferangi Bar Keep) and Mikle are present.] Data: (Beginning) It appears that less than six hours ago, the Borg..... Picard: (interrupting) Wait a second. (turns to Spak) What are YOU doing here ?!?! Spak: (sniveling) I'm tired of being stuck down in Runk Forward. I want some action. Mikle: (points at Dr. Crusher) I wanted to see the goddess! [Picard glares and Worf growls] Spak: (throws up his hands) Okay, okay. I'm leaving. (walks out, dragging Mikle.) Mikle: (to Crusher) Oh! You're sooooo beautiful! [The door closes behind the Ferangi.] Picard: Continue Mister Data. Data: (cocks his head) As I was saying, it appears that the Borg attack and possibly abducted the crew of the New Calidonia. I have run a cross check and the crewmen who where found dead on the ship. I have found the all of the dead crewmen were transferred to the New Calidonia as recently as two weeks ago. Correlating this with Star Fleet intelligence, I believe that Captain Yap intended to defect to the Borg. Most of the crew was in on the plan only she had not accounted for the fact that new comers to the ship might offer resistance. Worf: (envious) I envy those crewmen. Dying in a hopeless battle against a powerful foe. They ARE among the honored dead. Dr. Crusher: (rolls her eyes and chuckles) Worf: (turns to Crusher) Data: (continuing) From what we know of the Borg, I suspect that they have taken the missing piece of the saucer section to be used as raw materials. Picard: (intrigued and horrified) Meaning they will probably be back for the rest of the ship... Data: Precisely sir. Worf: In that case, I suggest that we go to yellow alert. And prepare for battle. Riker: Are you insane! Let's leave before they come back. Picard: I have received orders from Admiral Cherno to get back Captain Yap for interrogation and court marshal. Riker: A damn suicide mission AGAIN. Picard: Now stop whining Number One. We got through the last one... or two or three. Hey! You ever get the impression that someone is trying to get us killed? [New Scene: Exterior shot of the Enterprise at warp speed] Picard Voice Over: Captain's Log, supplemental. Mr. Worf and Mr. Data have collaborated to allow us to follow the Borg and intercept them. [Switch to Enterprise bridge: Picard in command chair. Riker to his right, Worf at tactical, Wesley at Navigation, Data at Ops.] Wesley: (leans over and whispers to Data) Data. Tell me how we are able to track the Borg. Data: (cautiously looks back to see the Captain occupied then leans over and whispers to Wesley.) The Borg are a very messy bunch. They leave a trail of debris every where they go. By looking for pieces of the missing saucer section, we are able to (cocks his head) "follow the path of bread crumbs." Wesley: (confused) I thought you told the Captain something about neutrinos and "Borg footprints"? Data: (raises his eyebrows) That's just a bunch of techno bull to make me look smart. Wesley: (comprehends) Oh! I get it. Worf: (to Picard) Sir! We have the Borg on long range sensors! Picard: Intercept course Mister Crusher! Data: Sir. The Borg have moved to intercept us. Worf: Receiving transmission. Borg Voice: We are Borg. Prepare to be assimilated into the Monroe Hill Collective. The New College is irrelevant...... Picard: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Worf! Cut that off. (to Wesley) Ensign, plot a course to keep us away from the Borg, but inside transporter range. (to Riker) Number One, take Data and LaForge over to the Borg ship to retrieve Captain Yap. Riker: Who me? I went last time! Data: (standing to comply with the Captain's orders) Sir. May I remind you that this is (cocks his head) a "walk in the park." The Borg have never perceived us as a threat on their ship before. Riker: Oh yeah! What about "Best of Both Worlds" and "Decent"? What if it's those bad boys from "Descent"? Data: It's not the ship design from "Decent". What about "Q Who" and "I Borg". Picard: Come now! This is starting to sound like an argument on Rec.arts.startrek.current. I'm suppose to be the wuss, NOT you. (points at Riker) Riker: (submitting) Aye sir. But can't I take Mister Worf? Picard: (motions Riker closer and whispers) You want that death loving madman on your away team? Riker: (stands up straight) Point taken.... Mister Data. [Riker and Data exit by the turbo lift.] [New Scene: In a corridor on the Borg ship. A transporter beam shimmers and Riker, Data, and Geordi appear. Data flips open his tricorder and begins to take readings. Riker and Geordi uneasily brandish their phasers.] Data: (pointing down the corridor) About forty meters in that direction. [Data stars to lead in the direction he pointed, but he hits a forcefield. It's not a normal forcefield. It sparks and short circuits Data. Data falls to the deck. Geordi rushes to him with a tricorder.] Geordi: (worried) All of his power supplies have shorted. His memory chips are failing! Riker: (relieved) I'm glad _I_ didn't hit that! [Geordi pulls a BNC adaptor and a length of coaxial cable out of his pocket. Riker gives him a weird look.] Geordi: (holds up the BNC plug and cable and smiles) EE's never leave home without them. Riker: What are you doing?!? Let's get back to the Enterprise! Geordi: (working feverishly, disconnects Data's head and begins fiddling with the wires.) Data won't survive transport. Our only hope is to download Data's programming into the Borg computer and hope we can retrieve it after we repair his power supply. (he plugs Data into a Borg computer connection) [Riker looks up and see's Borg coming down the corridor, only these Borg have Star Fleet uniforms on under their Borg appliances.] Riker: Uh, Mister LaForge. We have company. And I don't think they want to just play a game of cards! Borg: (in unison) Spaaades. Geordi: I hope that works.... Data, your on your own. Riker: (hits his comm badge) Three to beam out! NOW! [The transporter beam engulfs Riker, Data's body, and Geordi.] [New Scene: The Bridge. Worf at tactical, Picard standing between Ops and Navigation. Wesley at Navigation. Ensign of the Week at Ops. Riker enters via the turbo lift.] Wesley: Sir! The Borg are still gaining on us. Picard: Go to warp 9! Riker: (reporting to Picard) Sir. We lost Mister Data! Geordi had to download him into the Borg computer to save him. Picard: (confused) What!?! And where's Captain Yap? Worf: Sir! The Borg are STILL gaining. Riker: (to Picard) Hello?!? News Flash! We're about to get our ass kicked and you want me to go back in there!? For Captain Yap!?! What about Data?!? Picard: (thinks about it) You're right Number One. That wouldn't be entirely logical. (to Worf) Mister Worf prepare to return fire on the Borg. (to Wesley) Ensign Crusher! Turn the ship into the Borg's intercept course. Evasive pattern Riker Delta! Wesley: (confused) You want me to squeeze into a cabinet in the head because her husband has just come home?!? Picard: (embarrassed) Oh sorry. I meant Picard Delta, not RIKER Delta. (puts his hand up too say "engage" and is interrupted) Ensign: Captain! The Borg are dropping out of warp. We're loosing them! Picard: (to Riker) Talk about deus ex machina! Worf: Captain. There is a low level subspace message coming in.... (raises his eyebrows) It's from Commander Data. Riker: Data!?! Picard: (accusing Riker) Yes! Remember you left him behind! Worf: The message says that the Borg are headed for the Federation colony on Johnson. The Commander says he will be able to slow down the Borg momentarily while they attempt to eradicate him from their computer. Picard: Ensign Crusher! Lay in a course for Johnson, maximum warp. (to Riker) Assemble the officers for a conference in the aft lounge. (to himself) I hope for Mister Data's sake that he's as cunning as he thinks he is. (to Wesley) Engage! [New Scene: Exterior shot of Enterprise in orbit of Johnson. Switch to shot of bridge Picard is standing in front of the main viewer communicating with Administrator Oh.] Picard: (to Oh) Administrator Oh, it is imperative that we evacuate your colony at once. We believe that the Borg will attack you in a matter of hours. Oh: (singing to the tune "All I Ask of You" from "Phantom of the Opera") Captain, I appreciate your concern, but we are noooooot equipped for a full scale evacuation. Our settlement's a small nation. We cannot possibly evacuate them all This is such short notice. I don't do hocus pocus. Picard: (music cuts off abruptly, Picard is annoyed) Sir, then you will die. Oh: (music picks up, continues singing) Is that a threat you give me my fair Captain. I can not deliver what you waaaant. (music swells) Say you'll give me one more niiight and morning. Picard: (aside to Riker) Looks like I have to speak his language. (Picks up singing where Oh left off and gestures with his hands wildly.) When the borg arrive they'll make you gooo. Evacuate. That's all I ask of yoooou. [The music comes to a crashing halt, Oh rolls his eyes] Picard: (nervously chuckles) Well, I would not call being assimilated into the Borg collective a promising future. Oh: (conceding, but not singing) I will try my best. Picard: Good! Commander Riker will be in contact with you shortly about transporter schedules and evacuation procedures. Oh: (nods then "The Muppet Show" music starts) It's time to pack your cloths up! Not time to fly a kite! It's time to grab the children and flee the Borg tonight! It's time to board the windows! We're going to run not fight! It's time to pack your shuttle, to evacuate tonight! [Waldorf and Astoria from the "Muppet Show" pop up and continue the tune.] Waldorf: Why did we ever come here. Astoria: I guess we'll never know. Together: Star Fleet comes in and moves us, Every day or so. [A wild kazzoo instrumental interlude picks up and Oh starts doing the Egyptian and the Moonwalk at the same time with Waldorf and Astoria.] Picard: (turns to Worf and makes a cutting motion across his neck.) [Communications are cut and the viewer goes back to a view of Verna One.] Riker: (to Picard) Thanks for the cushy assignment Captain! Maybe I'll meat some luscious babes that need special consolation after being suddenly displaced from their homes. Picard: Not at all Number One. [Riker exits by turbo lift] Worf: (to Picard) Sir. I thought that the women of Johnson had a reputation of being (pauses and cocks his head while he looks for the right word) grotesque.... Even by Klingon standards. Picard: (nodding) That they do Mister Worf. (winks) But Commander Riker doesn't know that. [New Scene: Shot of colonists materializing on the transporter pads with their belongings in transporter room three. They are herded out by crew members as Riker watches on. Riker's face twists in disgust as he sees the women colonists.] Picard Voice Over: Captain's log supplemental. The evacuation of Johnson is proceeding at a good pace. There is as of yet no sign of the Borg. [Switch to Main Engineering: Geordi has Data's body laid out on a table and in replacing components in Data.] Picard Voice Over: (continuing) Commander LaForge had successfully made all hardware repairs to Mister Data's body, with only one minor explosion..... [Smoke starts to pour out of Data's body and Geordi goes running for help.] Picard Voice Over: (continuing) The problem still remains, how do we get Data's programming..., his soul, back in? [Switch to aft lounge. Crusher, Picard, Worf, and Geordi are sitting around the table.] Geordi: Captain, I have no idea how to go about this.... It's just not as simple as installing VMS. (pauses and thinks) Sorry, bad example. [Writer's comment: read "The Vaxorcist"] Crusher: Well, maybe we should look for examples else where.... How about that Original Star Trek episode where that guy with the pointy ears gets his brain separated from his body..... Worf: (rolls his eyes) You mean "Spock's Brain"?!? PLEASE, spare us the agony of the single worst Star Trek episode of all time! Klingons do NOT watch "Spock's Brain." Picard: No, No, No. She's got to be talking about "Star Trek III: The Search For Spock"..... Geordi: (scratching his non-existent beard as if he wishes he had one) Well, in "Star Trek III", they had to take McCoy, who had Spock's brain, AND Spock's body to Vulcan..... (shakes his head) I don't think we can get the Borg to go to Vulcan for a mystic hocus pocus ceremony. Picard: (raises his eyebrow like Sarek) Intriguing. Wesley's Voice on the Intercom: Sir! We have picked up the Borg on Long Range Scans. Picard: The evacuation hasn't finished yet..... Mister Worf, Mister LaForge. Report with me to the battle bridge. (hits his comm badge) Picard to Riker, we are detaching the stardrive from the saucer section to try to hold off the Borg. Riker's Voice: Understood sir! [An Exterior shot of the Enterprise in orbit of Johnson. Zoom in to show the saucer section detaching. Zoom back out. The stardrive turns from the planet and goes to warp. Switch to a scene on the battle bridge. Worf at tactical, Picard in command, LaForge at navigation, Wesley at Ops.] Worf: (reporting from his display) ETA to Borg three minutes twenty seconds.... Sir, we are receiving a high band data transmission. Geordi: (checking his display) It's Data! Picard: (confused) Of course. What do you expect in a DATA transmission? Geordi: No! It's COMMANDER Data!.... Damn! It's uuencoded.... I'll shunt it into the auxiliary engineering computer core. Picard: (embarrassed) Oh. Yes. Of course. That's what I meant. Wesley: (turning to Picard) Captain, may I remind you that the chances of surviving a full frontal attack on a Borg cube are two pentillion to one. Picard: (gritting his teeth) NEVER tell me the odds! [Exterior shot of the Enterprise bearing down on the Borg cube on a high speed head on collision course.] Wesley: (about to pee in his pants) Uh, sir? Should I change course. Picard: (punching something into his console, cool as a cucumber) No Ensign. Hold this course. (to Worf) Mister Worf, fire at will! Geordi: (just a wee bit concerned) Sir? Just in case you forgot, you are playing chicken with a ship about ten times our size and on hundred times our mass. Worf: (playing the proud Klingon) Klingons do NOT play chicken... We ram our ships into each other. Picard: (still preoccupied with his key pad) I understand Mister LaForge. [The Borg ship draws VERY close] Wesley: (screams) I want to have sex before I die! [Exterior shot. The Borg ship veers off at the last second and misses the Enterprise stardrive by hundreds of meters at high warp. The cube does a barrel roll to avoid a collision. The Enterprise star drive section fires a spread of photon torpedoes and a salvo of phaser fire at the cube as it passes, with negligible effect.] Geordi: I think that got their attention. They are changing course to pursue us Picard: (to Wesley) Ensign, lay in a course with the following parameters. (hits a key on his console) Wesley: But sir! These coordinates will take us with in 3000 kilometers of the surface of the star Verna! Picard: (raises his eyebrow, pissed) Ensign, must I explain every order to you. J U S T D O I T !!! Wesley: Okay! Okay! (under his breath) Sheesh! Who's going to kill us first, the Borg or the Captain? [Exterior shot. The Enterprise stardrive section whizzes past the camera position, on collision course with the yellow star Verna. The Borg cube follows behind at break neck speed.] [Back on the bridge. Everything is shaking and Picard wipes sweat from his brow. Worf is yelling out values.] Worf: (over a deafening roar) 100, 40, 36, 24, green, 50, hut, hut, hike! Picard: (inspired, swinging his clenched fist) Frera Jacque, Frera Jacque, dom me vu, dom me vu!..... Wesley: (shaking) Hail Mary full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus........ Geordi: (repeating hysterically) "Be an Star Fleet engineer, see the universe," he said! Picard: (to LaForge) On my signal, collapse the warp bubble! Geordi: Woah! Time out! (The bridge stops shaking and the scene freezes, Geordi turns to the Captain.) There is a good chance that collapsing the warp bubble will destroy the stardrive. Picard: You have a better idea? Geordi: Yes, as a matter a fact I did. But it's a little too late for that. (Shaking and scene resume) [Exterior shot. The stardrive arcs close over the surface of the star and passes behind it. The Borg approach. Switch back to the bridge.] Picard: (to Geordi) NOW! [Exterior shot. The stardrive screeches to a halt over the star as it drops out of warp rapidly. The Borg cube flies around the limb of the star and barely misses the stardrive, as it hurls end over end out into the dark void of space and out of sight.] Wesley: (to Picard) Captain that was brilliant! Using the star's gravitational well to sling shot the Borg into deep space! Picard: Wesley, stop trying to kiss my ass. Geordi: Sir! We violated at least four laws of physics! What are you going to do now? Picard: (close up shot, grins ear to ear) I'm going to Disney World! Geordi: But how did you do it? Picard: (smugly) Simple. I knew that the writer wouldn't dare kill any of us off this early in the season, so I did the most outrageous unrealistic thing that came to my mind, threw in the whole season's special effects budget, and presto! Instant episode plot resolution and stock special effects footage for the rest of the season! (pauses) Let's go home. I need a drink. Worf: Sir. The replicators on the battle bridge are programmed to make Earl Grey Tea. Picard: I think I need something stronger than that Mister Worf. Engage! [New Scene: Later in Runk Forward (formerly Ten Forward) Geordi and Data are at a table sharing a drink. Well, they each have their own drink, but you know what I mean.] Data: Geordi, I believe that I should thank you for saving my life. [A small insect starts flying around Data's head. He ignores it.] Geordi: (embarrassed) Aw! Don't mention it Data. Data: I am intrigued.... You said that there were some holes in my programming..... Geordi: Yeah, well, I was able to fix it real easily. I just spliced in some frog DNA.... [Data turns his head, flicks out his tongue, and catches the fly buzzing around him. He turns and spits it out in disgust.] Data: I hope that there are no other (cocks his head) "unexpected features" in my new programming? [Data takes a drink.] Geordi: (uneasy) Ummm. Well. I guess you'll find out sooner or later, but from time to time, we'll have to call you Miss Data from now on. Data: (spits out his drink) [Switch to exterior shot of the Enterprise] Geordi's Voice: (desperate) Data? Data! Just look on the bright side... Now you're FULLY functional. [Fade out] [Theme Music and Credits roll] ================================================================= [Promo] Announcer: Next time on Star Trek: The New College Generation! [Shot down empty coridor of the Enterprise. Spak comes running down the hall.] Spak: (jumping for joy) I have a small magic sword! Data: (from behind a door) I'm still naked, where can I find something to wear? Announcer: A new game captivates the crew of the Enterprise. [Shot of bridge. Picard in the command chair, Riker next to him playing with a PADD.] Announcer: But is it really just a game? Picard: (to Riker) Where's everyone who's suppose to be on duty? Riker: (engrossed with the PADD) I don't know, but this game is cool. [Shot of corridor with Wesley skipping towards us] Announcer: Will history repeat itself? Wesley: (comes to a stop a foot from the camera and smiles pretty) I'm here to save the day! [Switch to Title scene] Announcer: On the next exciting episode of Star Trek: The New College Genteration!