SSSS TTTTTTT AAAA RRRRR TTTTTTT RRRRR EEEEEE K KK S T A A R R T R R E K KK SSSS T AAAAA RRRRRR T RRRRRR EEEE KKKK S T A A R R T R R E K K SSSS T A A R R T R R EEEEEE K K THE N N EEEEE W W CCC OOO L L EEEEE GGGG EEEEE N N N E W W C C O O L L E G G E N N N EEE W W W C O O L L EE G EEE N N N E W W W C C O O L L E G GGG E N N EEEEE W WW CCCC OOOO LLLLL LLLLL EEEEE GGGG EEEEE GGGG EEEEE N N EEEEE RRRR AAAA TTTTTTT IIIII OOOO N N G G E N N N E R R A A T I O O N N N G EEE N N N EEE RRRRR AAAAA T I O O N N N G GGG E N N N E R R A A T I O O N N N GGGG EEEEE N N EEEEE R R A A T IIIII OOOO N N STARTREK: THE NEW COLLEGE GENERATION SEASON 2 EPISODE 5: THE PHOENIX! Written by Spaceman Spiff With Creative Credit to Da Teach Special Thanks to: The Office of Poohbah And RobMasterFunk ================================================================= Credits Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher.......Timmy Dude Lt Commander Data.......................SPiff Lt Worf.................................ROCK! Captain Picard........................Jeffery Commander Riker.......................Peeeter Counselor Troi................Heather Higgins Wing Mahn.........................Santa Claus Klingons.........................Weedon 100's Poohbah of Borg.............Shannon Cavalucci Lt Cmdr Geordi La Forge....Col Hafez Al Baruk Lt Carroll..............................Jason Administrator Oh.....................Henry Oh Idiot Colonists..................UVa Pep Band Captain Yagel....................Thomas Yagel Cmdr Eiseman.....................Eric Eiseman Lt Aerhart.......................Mark Aerhart Exccelsior Crew..................Malone 200's Dark Sinister Figure......... (It wouldn't be any fun if I told you who this was, now. Just wait.) ================================================================= [Close up of Wesley's face. He has a HUGE pimple on his nose. But he doesn't care..... He's about to die a virgin.] Wesley: Awaiting your orders Captain. Captain? [Zoom out to bridge. Picard stands. He's pale as a ghost] Data: (turning to face Picard) Sir, ordering action at this time would be prudent. Worf: (desperate) What do we do sir?!?! [Close up of Picard's face as the music builds to a climax] Picard: (hoarsely) We're gonna die. [Black screen. Dramatic music, like at the end of Best of Both Worlds Part 1] Announcer: And now the exciting conclusion! [Theme Music and credits roll] Worf: Sir! Message coming in on secure subspace channel! It's only one word?!? Riker: (stands and addresses Worf) Well what is it?!? Worf: (deliberately) The word is... (zoom in on Worf) "duck". [close up shot of Riker's face. He raises an eyebrow.] Riker: (puzzled) Duck? [close up of Troi's face] Troi: (equally puzzled) Duck? [Close up of Data, who stops what he is doing.] Data: (intrigued, cocking his head) Duck? [Zoom out to shot of the whole bridge.] Wesley: (bounce with joy and full of himself) Goose! (giggles) Picard: (enlightened) Ensign! Z minus full thrust! NOW! [Exterior shot of the Enterprise. It starts to go "down", slowly at first, then accelerating. The Casteen cube fires and the shields of the Enterprise light up as they disperse the beam's energy. A second borg cube, this one featureless, comes out of no where putting the Enterprise between the two cubes. The second Borg cube fires a blazing white ball-o-energy. The ball- o-energy just misses the Enterprise as it drops "below" the line of fire. The Casteen cube is hit. Sparks fly everywhere, some bouncing off the Enterprises shields illuminating them. The hit lights up the interior of the Casteen cube with a brilliant light and it ceases fire on the Enterprise.] [Back on the Enterprise bridge.] Picard: (urgently) Plot a course out of the kill range of the Borg's known weapons and hold for further orders. Wesley: (mouth hanging open in shock, nodding) Uh hu. Data: Most intriguing. [Exterior shot again. Enterprise banks and begins to move out of the field of view. There is no action between the two Borg cubes. Presently, the Casteen cube begins to slowly turn. Ever so slowly it turns and the second featureless cube crawls backwards slightly. As the Casteen cube turns, we see the side opposite Casteen's likeness molding and shaping. When the "morphing" side faces the blank cube, it takes form. It is the face of DARTH VADER!! The Vader cube "grows" hands and pulls out a giant light saber which flashes to life. The second cube responds by also sprouting hands and its own light saber. The two cubes slowly dodge and parry, carefully testing each other's defenses in a choreographed and deliberate manner. The featureless cube takes the first serious swipe at the Vader cube. The Vader cube quickly avoids the downward swing of the second cube and retaliates with a sharp lateral cut along the front of the second cube. The second cube backs off slightly and the only sound is that of the humming light sabers. The second cube attacks Vader again. It misses but this time avoids the retaliatory strike by "rolling" out of the way. The Vader cube lunges while the second cube appears off balance, but the second cube gets in a good hit and cuts off Casteen's nose as Vader flies by. Vader swings around violently and begins an all out assault on the second cube. The background music becomes a haunting choir chant from the final battle between Vader and Skywalker in "Return of the Jedi." The second cube does all it can to defend itself as Vader vents all his wrath. The Enterprise comes into view behind Vader approaching the Casteen side of the cube unnoticed.] [Back on the bridge of the Enterprise.] Data: (working furious) Captain. The Tribble torpedo is ready. Picard: (commanding) NOW Mister Worf! Tribbles away! Worf: Aye sir! [Back to the exterior shot. The Enterprise fires a single photon torpedo into the back of the Casteen cube. It is unaffected. We hear the crew of the Enterprise scream in horror.] Data's Voice: (calmly) No effect sir...... (taunting) Now you got it mad you smart ass! All: Oooooooh No! [The Casteen cube relents in it's attack and begins to turn towards the Enterprise. The Enterprise turns to run. The second cube takes a careless swipe at the Casteen cube, but misses. The Casteen cube whirls around and cuts both "arms" off the second cube, then turns to pursue the Enterprise. All of a sudden the Klingon theme plays...... Ten K'vort class cruisers simultaneously decloak around the Casteen cube. They open fire with a fierce volley and unrelenting attack.] [Back on the Enterprise] Picard: (eyes covered with his hands) I can't look! We're gonna die! Data: (reporting) Sir. The Klingons have engaged the Borg. Should we assist? Riker: Hell NO! Let's get outta here! Picard: (removes his hands from his face and sighs) I'm tired of being a wuss. (commanding) Mister Worf! Fire at will! Troi: I feel..... Picard: (to Troi) Shut up counselor! We're gonna kick some ass! [The Enterprise turns and joins the fight, phasers and photon torpedoes flying. The Casteen cube begins a slow retreat. One of the Klingon cruisers ventures to close to the Borg. The Borg grabs the Klingon ship and crushes it into a little ball and tosses it at another Klingon ship. The Klingon ship hit by the ball of metal goes out of control. It slams into the Vader side of the Casteen cube. A magnificent explosion fills the screen. When the smoke clears, a third of the Casteen cube has been disintegrated. The Casteen cube turns and jumps to warp. Three of the Klingon ships follow, the remaining five fall into formation.] [Back on the Enterprise.] Worf: (to Picard) Incoming communication. Picard: On screen. [The main viewer flickers and we see Wing Mahn, the Klingon Commander.] Picard: (to Wing Mahn) Thank you for the assistance. The Federation is forever in debt to the Klingon Empire. Wing Mahn: (arrogant) You bet you are. We'll send you the bill for those two lost ships in the mail. Kah Plah Picard! Picard: Gushuntite Wing Mahn! [The viewer goes back to the view of the planet with the remaining Borg cube in the background. The Klingon formation leaves orbit and engages their cloaking devices.] Picard: (to Data) Mister Data, what are the sensors reading from the Borg cube. Data: (busy) The Borg appear to be in a regenerative phase right now. Picard: (turning to Worf) Mister Worf, open a channel to the Borg. Worf: (growls) Aye sir. [Briefly the display flickers and changes to the interior of the Borg ship. A Borg stands there.] PoohBah: I am PoohBah of Borg. Picard: I am Picard, Captain of the Federation starship Enterprise. PoohBah: So we meet again. Only this time we are allies. Worf: (growls) Picard: I'm afraid we don't understand. PoohBah: When the Borg first encountered the Federation we were only interested in assimilation, but the presence of the Federation, where we had only been before, began to influence and change us. It breathed a life into us that we haven't know in millennium. We came to see the power of one, the individual. With this realization, the one voice that had been the Borg for centuries fractured and three new orders rose from the ashes of the old Borg order. We are the Monroe Hill Collective. We do not seek dominance, but survival. The other two factions have sworn together to terminate us and again unite the Borg into one as before, but with a new dedication. A dedication to the path of now and forever. Data: (curious) The path of now and forever? Picard: (scolding) Don't interrupt Data! Data: (whispers) Sorry sir. PoohBah: The path of now and forever was first devised by the order that calls itself The Administration and was later embraced by The Politico Union. This path is dedicated to the destruction of all that is not Borg. The Monroe Hill collective has seen by the example of the Federation that diversity is a resource that should not be destroyed. Troi: That's not nice! Worf: Sir! I have a distress call coming in from a Federation colony in the Scott system...... The Borg are attacking. PoohBah: We are still regenerating. We cannot assist. Picard: Understood. PoohBah: The Monroe Hill collective will rejoin you when regeneration is complete. [Communications cut] Riker: (to Wesley) Ensign. Lay in a course for the Scott system at maximum warp. Wesley: (working) Course laid in. Picard: Engage! (to Worf) Worf, get Lt. Commander LaForge and Lt. Carroll up in my ready room. I want some options. [Exterior shot of the Enterprise going to warp.] [New Scene: Picard's ready room. La Forge and Carroll are sitting next to each other. Carroll rabbit punches La Forge and LaForge smacks Carroll over the head.] Carroll: (yelling) It was not my fault that the warp corp just died on us. You're the one that forgot to pay the electric bill! [The doors open and Picard enters, taking a seat behind his desk.] Picard: (sternly) In less that an hour we engage the Borg. I want some options. [A long pause of silence] Carroll: (exasperated) What! I'm second in command of Engineering here! If you wanted my opinion you should have AT LEAST made me a REAL character! Geordi: I don't have a clue about what is going on Captain. Maybe if you gave us a nice window down in Engineering..... [The intercom chirps] Data's Voice: Sir, we are receiving a new transmission. Picard: I'll be there in a second. (scolding Carroll and Geordi) Now I want you two to go back down to Engineering for awhile and just think about what you've done. When you're ready to apologize I'll hear you out. Geordi and Carroll: (wining in chorus) Yes sir. [Back on the bridge, Picard enters and takes the command chair.] Picard: (to Worf) On screen. [The main viewer flickers. It's Administrator Oh!] Riker: Oh no! Oh: Oh yes! Picard: Oh! What are you doing here! You're getting to be like Q! Oh: (smiles gleefully) I'm now the administrator of Scott Colony. We're under attack by the Borg..... I think. [View on the viewer zooms out to show the members of the UVa Pep Band in their orange vests are engaged in fierce musical instrument to hand combat. The Borg are winning but taking losses to the fierce onslaught of the Clarinet section using their instruments as spears. The saxophone section charges blaring hideous notes and the Borg are temporarily driven back. Music starts in the background.] Data: (reporting) Sir, just thought I'd warn you. There is a musical number up next in the script. Picard: Thank you Mister Data. [Every one on the bridge causally pulls out earphones. Picard picks up a magazine and starts to read.] Picard: Let us know when it's over Data. Data: Aye sir. Oh: (singing to the Beatle's hit "Help", with the Pep Band as back up.) Pep Band: HELP! Oh: I need somebody! Pep Band: HELP! Oh: Not just anybody! Pep Band: HELP! Oh: I need somebody! Pep Band: HEEEELLLLLLPPPP! Oh: When I was younger, much younger than before, I lived in Johnson without Borg banging at my door. But now I'm older and my security is gone. And that's why I'm sitting here singing you this song. Help me if you can we're overrun! And I don't think this is all that much fun! Help me if you can the Borg have come! Won't you please, please help me! Now this is old. I wish they'd really go away. The Borg keep showing up and ruining my day. Why can't you guys get rid of them for good. After all this pain they've caused, I really wish you would. Picard: (excited removes his headphones) Cool the Beatles! (starts singing) We'll help you if we can we're now enroute. And we hear you loud and clear no need to shout. Put on a happy face. No need to pout. Helm increase speed to max warp Max warp. Max waaaaarrrp! [Music stops] Oh: Better than last time Picard. Please hurry! [Communications cut] Worf: Sir. Message from PoohBah of Borg..... They have made repairs and are enroute to Scott. Picard: Very good. (to Riker) You can say it now number one. I know you love to say it. Number one? [Picard looks at Riker and sees that he has fallen asleep and is drooling on his armrest.] Picard: (sighs) Red Alert! [New Scene: Enterprise bridge. Worf at tactical, Data at Ops, Wesley at Nav, Picard in command chair, Riker to his right, Troi to his left.] Worf: (to Picard) Sir. The Monroe Hill collective has just notified us that they will join us shortly before we enter the Scott system. (his panel chirps and he looks down) And the Excelsior is hailing us. Riker: (sarcastically) Here comes the calvary. Picard: (to Worf) On screen. [The viewer flickers and shows the bridge of the Excelsior. Captain Yagel stands. Commander Eiseman is at tactical and Lt. Aerhart at Ops.] Yagel: (to Picard) Greetings Captain. We're here to assist you as ordered. (bows) Captain Chuck was unable to be here, but he sends his best. Picard: Very good. (signals Worf) We're sending you a data file containing the information from our recent encounters with the Borg and some recent modifications made by our chief Engineers that should improve efficency in Engineering. [On the viewer Commander Eiseman looks very confused as he receives the message Worf has sent.] Eiseman: (puzzled) One cup flour? Two eggs? Three table spoons of sugar?........ Fold eggs into flour gently......? Yagel: Very good! We can do this! Excelsior out. [The Screen blanks before Picard can say anything.] Picard: (To Worf) Send them the RIGHT file mister Worf. Worf: (puzzled) But sir that is the RIGHT file. [Switch to Engineering. Geordi and Lt. Carroll are sitting with there feet up on the control panels munching on cookies.] Geordi: (to Carroll) You know, these are the best improvements we've made in Engineering yet. Carroll: (his mouth is stuffed, he nods) [The intercom chirps] Picard: (angry as hell) LAFORGE! CARROLL! IN MY READY ROOM! NOW! [New Scene: The Enterprise, flying at the head of the formation with the MHC Cube and the Excelsior, enter orbit of Scott II. A borg cube with Jim Copland's face molded in the side is in orbit already. The Enterprise and company confront the Copland Cube.] Picard's Voice: Captain's log supplemental...... WE HAVE ENGAGED THE BORG! (dramatic music) [On bridge] Riker: (whining) Why don't I ever get to say that. Picard: 'Cause you're not cool enough. (to Data) Data, beam down to the surface with Commander Riker and attempt to assist Administrator Oh. Take Lt. Carroll with you to do any miracle working necessary. Riker: But sir. He's beyond help. Data: (confused) Lt. Carroll or Oh? Picard: Trust me. The plot requires this. Riker: Aye sir. [Riker and Data exit by rear turbo lift.] Worf: Captain, the Borg are hailing us. Picard: On screen. [The viewer flickers to show the interior of the Borg cube.] Borg: We are the Athletic Department of Borg. All else is irrelevant, unless you pay us off. Prepare to be destroyed. [The viewer goes off. Music picks up in tempo.] Picard: Mister Worf! Send attack orders Delta Picard to the fleet. Worf: Aye Sir. Picard: ENGAGE! [The Enterprise breaks formation and flanks the Copland Cube. The MHC cube fires a plasma weapon at the Copland cube and electric discharges start flying between the two Borg cubes. The Excelsior banks and passes between the two cubes, being hit several times by discharges.] [On the Excelsior bridge. Same as before, but everyone's hair is standing straight up on end.] Yagel: Whoa! What a head rush! [to Lt Aerhart] Turn us around and take us through that again! Aerhart: With pleasure sir! Eiseman: Sir. I estimate the buzz would be ten times greater if we dropped the shields. Yagel: Make it so! [Back to the exterior shot. The Excelsior makes a sharp turn and passes back between the Borg cubes. The Enterprise begins an attack run, firing photon torpedoes and phasers. Suddenly the Decent class Borg ship appears out of nowhere with the dimensional rift effect and blows the heck out of the MHC cube. The MHC cube is dead in space, residual electric discharges run over the surface of the cube. The Copland cube and the Descent class turn and begin an assault on the Excelsior and Enterprise.] [On the Enterprise bridge. Everyone sees that they are going to get their butts kicked.] Wesley: Uh oh. Troi: I feel..... like we're dead. Picard: (to Worf) Quick! Radio the Excelsior. Attack pattern Gamma Two. [Exterior shot. The Enterprise and the Excelsior break off in opposite directions making large graceful curves. Then they collide head on.] Picard's Voice: NO! GAMMA TWO! NOT THREE! WESLEY YOU SHMUCK! [A tremendous explosion occurs. When the smoke is gone, so are the Enterprise and the Excelsior.] [On the planet surface, Riker, Data and Oh look up and see the explosion in the sky.] Riker: Someone got their ass kicked. Data: Plays with his tricorder. It was the Enterprise and the Excelsior. They are no longer in orbit. Carroll: Oh no! Oh: What? What did I do? Data: Chance of success for this mission now appear to be low. Oh: (munching on an OhHenry (tm) candy bar) We can't give up! Carroll: Maybe I can construct a high energy plasma weapon from this paper clip. (pulls a paper clip out of his pocket and gets to work bending it.) Riker: I need a nap before I decide what to do. Oh: Wait! I have an idea! [New scene: Onboard a Borg cube. Borg lie prone everywhere all over the corridor. An escort of Borg approach, two abreast down the narrow corridor blocking our view of what is behind them. The stop and turn over a body. Close up shot. It's PoohBah! The Borg inject her with a hypo spray and she slowly regains consciousness. When she notices she has been captured, she begins to struggle. The two Borg restrain her and force her to her feet. A figure appears in the shadows.] Dark Figure: (sinister) Very good! This one will serve our purpose well. Bring her here! [The Borg drag PoohBah forward. Close up of PoohBah's face. A pale had reaches out and strokes her cheek.] Dark Figure: (sinister) Yes. She will be perfect. (cackling ensuse) [Black Screen] TO BE CONTINUED!!!