SSSS TTTTTTT AAAA RRRRR TTTTTTT RRRRR EEEEEE K KK S T A A R R T R R E K KK SSSS T AAAAA RRRRRR T RRRRRR EEEE KKKK S T A A R R T R R E K K SSSS T A A R R T R R EEEEEE K K THE N N EEEEE W W CCC OOO L L EEEEE GGGG EEEEE N N N E W W C C O O L L E G G E N N N EEE W W W C O O L L EE G EEE N N N E W W W C C O O L L E G GGG E N N EEEEE W WW CCCC OOOO LLLLL LLLLL EEEEE GGGG EEEEE GGGG EEEEE N N EEEEE RRRR AAAA TTTTTTT IIIII OOOO N N G G E N N N E R R A A T I O O N N N G EEE N N N EEE RRRRR AAAAA T I O O N N N G GGG E N N N E R R A A T I O O N N N GGGG EEEEE N N EEEEE R R A A T IIIII OOOO N N STARTREK: THE NEW COLLEGE GENERATION SEASON 3 EPISODE 2: If I Ever Loose My Faith In You.. Written by Spaceman Spiff With Creative Credit to Da Teach ================================================================= Credits Lt Worf.................................ROCK! Commander Sisco......................Da Teach Chief Miles O'Brien...................Matt L. Doctor Beverly Crusher.................Anita! Ensign Yoder......................Steve Yoder Ensign Campbell................Kasey Campbell Lt Svoboda........................Matt Svoboda Wing Mahn......................Casey Cosgrove Ensign Sherwin..................David Sherwin Lt Barclay........................John Duncan Major Kira Neryes.....................Candace Klingon Ambassador.....................CeeJee Lt Commander Data.......................SPiff Lt Carroll..............................Jason Dr. Soong...............................Tamir Captain Jean Luc Picard...............Jeffery Wesley Crusher.....................Timmy Dude Lt Cmdr Geordi LaForge.....Col Hafez Al Baruk Commander Riker.......................Peeeter Odo............................Bjornar Larsen Bjoran Housekeeper...Mario the NC housekeeper ================================================================= [New Scene: DS9 Ops. Obrien points at the display as the wormhole unfolds and a Klingon cruiser appears with a runabout in tow by tractor beam. Sisco and Worf stare.] Sisco: That was quick! Worf: Klingons do NOT mess around. Obrien: (anxious) Here come the Bjorans! Sisco: (smirks) That reminds me of a good joke.... What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming? [Obrien and Worf give Sisco a REALLY weird look] [Exterior view of DS9. The Enterprise is docked at the upper pylon. The Klingon cruiser approaches the station seven Bjoran interceptors sweep down on it firing. The Klingon's shields flash with the energy from the Bjoran phasers but appear to take no damage. The Klingon ship banks and returns fire. The Bjoran ship that is hit by the Klingon phaser shutters and explodes.] [Back in Ops.] Obrien: Klingons one. Bjorans NOTHING! Sisco: Looks like the diplomats WILL have to sort out the bodies. Worf: (cocks his head) If the bodies aren't all vaporized that is. Sisco: Chief. Try to raise the Enterprise again. [Obrien works furiously at the console.] Crusher's Voice: Enterprise here. [Worf's jaw drops and hits the floor.] Sisco: (confused) Who is this? Where is Captain Picard? Crusher's Voice: This is Chief Medical Officer Crusher. I have assumed command of the Enterprise. The Captain was.... not fit for command. [Worf bangs his head against the bulkhead.] Sisco: (nods) I understand. We are monitoring a "situation" between the Klingons and the Bjorans. [Explosion heard in the back ground.] Obrien: Klingons three. Bjorans nothing. Crusher's Voice: We're about to get underway to intervene with your approval Commander. Sisco: By all means. I was just about to suggest that. Crusher's Voice: Roger. Enterprise out. Worf: (exasperated) A WOMAN in command of the Enterprise!! You CANNOT send a woman to do a man's job! You might as well allow Rom or Mikle to command the Enterprise! Sisco: That's enough mister Worf! I have every confidence in Crusher as a commanding officer! (under his breath to himself) Don't let me down. Worf: (fumes) Request..... Sisco: NO! Worf: (opens his mouth after a pause) Sisco: NO! Worf I need you here (gestures "here"). You'll get your chance, I read the ahead in the script. Worf: (now curious) Commander.... If you've read the script..... Do I die a GLORIOUS death? [Sisco and Obrien roll their eyeballs.] [New Scene: The bridge of the Enterprise. Crusher in the command chair. Lieutenant Svoboda at ops. Ensign Yoder at Nav. Ensign Campbell at tactical.] Svoboda: (reports) All docking latches disengaged. Crusher: (Svoboda) Thank you. (to Yoder) Ensign. Ahead one half impulse. Yoder: Yes mam. Crusher: (uncomfortable being called "mam") "Sir" would be just fine Ensign. Yoder: Mam. (scolding naughtily) That would not be politically correct. [Campbell and Svoboda shake their heads.] Crusher: And I suppose I should just call refer to you as "advancement challenged" rather than ensign? Yoder: (failing to see the point) Now your getting the hang of it! If we're all just happy people things are just peachy! Campbell: Sir. The Klingons are hailing us. Crusher: (becoming more comfortable with the command chair) On Screen. [Wing Mahn appears on the screen.] Wing Mahn: Stay out of our way HUMAN WOMAN! We're put these arrogant self righteous over religious Bjorans in their place! Crusher: (smugly) This WOMAN is in control of a star ship that could wipe the interstellar medium with your sorry excuse for a cruiser any day. I suggest you BACK OFF. We have a military treaty with the Bjorans and I have orders to break up this petty school yard brawl. Yoder: (scolding) You two aren't talking nice to each other. (puts his hands on his hips) Now how are we suppose to get along if.... Crusher: Campbell. Show the Ensign, sorry, the "advancement challenged" how to "get along" off my bridge. Campbell: (comes down from tactical and drags Yoder towards the lift) Aye sir. Wing Mahn: (raises an eyebrow) You certainly have more gusto than that Captain Picard. But do you know how to use it? Crusher: I have more balls than you ever will Wing Mahn. Now, DISENGAGE THE BJORANS! Wing Mahn: (defiantly) Make me! [Campbell returns to tactical. Ensign Sherwin takes a seat at Nav.] Crusher: Count on it! [The screen goes back to the Klingon cruiser beating up on the Bjorans. The comm channel chirps.] Barclay's Voice: (urgently) Barclay to bridge. I can't give you that much! I'm understaffed and we're in the middle of routine maintenance. Crusher: How about Phasers? Barclay's Voice: Ummmmm. No. Crusher: Photon torpedoes? Barclay's Voice: Well...... Crusher: Shields? Barclay's Voice: Kind of..... Crusher: (becoming distraught) Impulse power. Barclay's Voice: I'll see what we can do. I can give you life support at 100%. Crusher: Great, we can breath! What am I suppose to do to the Klingon's? Exhale on them?!?!? Svoboda: (under his breath) Quite a potent weapon in some situations... Barclay's Voice: I might be able to give you a burst of warp power in a couple minutes. (a crashing noise) Oh golly! I've got to go! [Switch to Engineering. Barclay is standing near the warp core. He rushes to the control room. Beavis and Butthead are there. Beavis is on the floor in the midst of a pile of isolinear chips. The wall panel marked "warp control" is devoid of it's chips. Butthead is standing there picking his nose.] Butthead: (sees Barclay) Uhhhhh. Ooops! Beavis: Heh Heh. Yeah! Ooops! Barclay: (pulling his hair) Oh my goodness. Oh golly darnit! You have to clean this up! You have too! Now! Right Now! Butthead: Uhhhh. Okay Barf-up. Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! We'll do it right away. (he puts tries to put the chip he is holding back in it's slot. It is bent and won't fit, so he puts it in his mouth and bites it in an effort to straighten it. An electric shock passes through his body lighting him up.) Woah! Butthead! You have to try this! It's like a head rush! Butthead: Uhhh. Huh. Huh. (smacks Beavis in the back of the head) That's stupid Beavis. (Butthead picks up a chip, considers it first then puts it in his mouth and chomps down hard. He gets an even bigger shock than Beavis. Smoke pours out his ears. His eyes go wide.) Woah! Taste's like chicken! [They both start chuckling.] Butthead: (offers Barclay a chip) Want one dude? Barclay: (gestures wildly up and down with his hands) Oh good goshems! I.... I...... (sighs heavily) I'll just do it myself! [Barclay kneels in front of the panel and starts the laborious process of putting in the chips one at a time. Beavis chomps down on another chip. Butthead picks one up.] Butthead: Hey Beavis. I heard like if you like put one of these things in your head you could like get real smart. Beavis: Heh. Heh. Yeah! Try it! Try it!. [Beavis tries to stuff the isolinear chip in Beavis' ear.] Beavis: (eyes wide with pain, his face contorting) Ow! Ow! Stop! Butthead: Shut up Beavis and hold still. (he puts his foot on Beavis' face and holds his head to the floor while trying to fit the chip in his ear.) Beavis: (his eyes bugging out) My liver! My liver! Butthead: Shut up asswipe! You would be so dumb if you HAD a liver in your head! (deepens his voice) Now! Hold still for Doctor Butthead. Beavis: Yeah! I feel smarter already! [Back to the Enterprise bridge.] Svoboda: (to Crusher) We still have maneuvering thrusters. Crusher: Good. (to Sherwin) Lay in a course on heading 232 mark 3. Thrusters only. Sherwin: (turning in his chair) You know, there is a much better way to do this. [Everyone just stares blankly at Sherwin.] Sherwin: On most starships they lay out detailed routes on the tactical display before they even engage their Engines. On my last assignment that's the way we did it all the time. I could set one up for us right now. It would only take four hours... [Crusher is becoming red in the face with frustration] Svoboda: (being diplomatic) Maybe we could try that next time Ensign, but right now..... Sherwin: Oh. And this heading isn't efficient at all. I'll have to change it right now. Crusher: (holding back her rage) Lt. Campbell.... [Campbell moves to escort Ensign Sherwin from the bridge. She gently pushes him towards the lift. The doors open and she lightly pushes Sherwin in. Sherwin turns around.] Sherwin: Oh. I can't report for duty tomorrow because I've got an appointment in the Stellar Cartography lab to organize their tricorders. (the doors close as he is talking) Crusher: Ms. Campbell. Arrange for an "accidental" depressurization in Stellar Cartography tomorrow. Campbell: (returning to her console) Aye sir. Svoboda: Sir. We don't have anyone to handle the helm now. Crusher: (sitting at Nav) I'll just have to do it. Svoboda: But your a doctor. How do you know....? Crusher: (laying in the course) A girl has to know a lot of things just to get by Lieutenant. [Switch to exterior shot of the Enterprise as it lumbers away from DS9 towards the Bjoran ships harassing the Klingon Cruiser. An explosion marks another Bjoran ship biting the dust.] [Back in Engineering Barclay work furiously trying to replace the isolinear chips. Guttural whines of frustration issue from his lips as he frantically (and valiantly) tries to place each unique chip in the 123,457 unique slots.... He has finished three. Butthead has given up on stuffing an isolinear chip in Beavis' ear and is now sitting on Beavis' chest attempting to shove the chip up Beavis' nose. He pulls the snot covered chip out of Beavis' nose and looks at it in disgust.] Butthead: Ew Beavis! Stop getting so much snot all over the chip. I still want to bite it when we're done. [Butthead considers the snot cover chip in his hand and then after a moment of hesitation chomps down receiving a shock that knocks him off Beavis' chest with a loud thud. Beavis stands up and walks too the warp control console.] Beavis: (pointing at a large red button labeled "Emergency Warp Core Start") Hey Butthead. What does this do. Butthead: (stands up VERY dizzy) Uh! Let me see! Get outta my way bunghole! [He pushes Beavis in the back and Beavis falls face first into the console. Beavis' face hits the big read button. And the entire ship shutters.] [Switch to shot of Beavis and Butthead staring at the camera, eyes wide, chins dropped in shock.] [Switch to a shot of the Warp core, then a blinding white flash.] [Exterior shot of the Enterprise. The Enterprise goes to warp and an effect akin to the Picard manoeuver occurs where the ship appears to be in two places at once. The Enterprise hits the Klingon cruiser and they get stuck together. The "neck" one of the warp nacelles of the Klingon cruiser get wedged under the nacelles and the saucer section of the Enterprise. The Klingon cruiser gets flipped and turned around so that it is riding the Enterprise "upside-down- backwards piggy-back." Both ships, now stuck together spin wildly knocking the Bjoran ships off in many random directions.] [New Scene: The Klingon brig. Carroll, the Ambassador, Kira, and Soong are crowed around Data's unconscious body. They all stand and look at the door when they hear a commotion outside. The door opens and three Bjoran's with brandishing phasers enter the cell.] Bjoran Kidnapper #1: (hostile) Okay! Everyone up! Your coming with us! (looks at the Ambassador) Especially you, Klingon dog! Kira: This is an outrage! I am a Bjoran citizen! Bjoran Kidnapper #2: You are an outlaw for harboring a fugitive! (motions at the Ambassador) Now move! [Kira helps up Soong and follows Carroll and the Ambassador out the door. Data stays prone in the middle of the floor.] Bjoran Kidnapper #3: (motioning to Data) What should we do with him? Bjoran Kidnapper #1: Bring him with us. [Bjoran Kidnappers #2 and #3 each take one of Data's legs and drag him out of the brig.] [Switch to Enterprise sick bay. Riker, LaForge, Picard, and Wesley are strapped to the tables. Only Emergency lighting is on.] Geordi: Help! I've been blinded! Riker: You were blind before! Geordi: Oh.... yeah right. Picard: (missing an eyebrow) Women drivers! Wesley: (a walking hormone) Women! WERE!?!? [Switch to Enterprise bridge. Emergency lighting only and some smoke. Everyone has been thrown out of their chairs. Campbell stands up behind tactical and Svoboda crawls back into his seat, checking his display.] Crusher: (picking herself up) Status? Svoboda: No major damage to the hull. It seems we experienced a power surge of some kind. Campbell: Reports coming in from all decks of minor injuries. No major damage to report. Crusher: Bridge to Engineering. What the heck happened? Beavis' Voice: Hello? Hello? This thing on? Heh. Heh. Butthead's Voice: Uh. Testes. One. Two. Three. Crusher: Is Mister Barclay there? Butthead's Voice: Uh. She said Barclay. Huh. Huh. Beavis' Voice: Yeah! Yeah! That's like the dude bleeding to death in the corner. Butthead's Voice: Asswipe! That's your blood from your nose! Beavis' Voice: Oh yeah. Right. But he's still like unconscious. Crusher: We need main power can you do that for us? Butthead's Voice: Uh........ Yeah. Beavis' Voice: You pusswad! We don't know how....... Butthead's Voice: Shut up Beavis! I'm in charge of engineering now. Beavis' Voice: Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Butthead and Beavis: nah Nah NAH Na Na! NA na NA na NA na NAAAH Na NAH NAH! Crusher: (shakes her head) Campbell: The Klingons are hailing us. Crusher: On screen. [Wing Mahn appears on the screen. His bridges looks BAD.] Wing Mahn: You crazy biddy! You'll get us all killed! And I am holding YOU responsible for the loss of our prisoner! Crusher: (confused) But I..... Svoboda: Um. I think you should know something sir...... [Svoboda punches some keys and the display splits to show the way the Klingon cruiser in entwined in the Enterprise's nacelles. Crusher suppresses a chuckle. Campbell laughs audibly.] Crusher: (smirking) I don't think your in any position to threaten us Wing Mahn. Wing Mahn: So help me! I'll blow your nacelles off to get out of this! I'm filing a complaint with the Federation Council! [Crusher makes a cutting motion across her throat to Campbell and she terminates the transmission in the middle of Wing Mahn's tirade.] Crusher: Radio DS9 for a tow. And let them know the Bjorans now have the "prisoners". [New Scene: Sisco's Office. Sisco is sitting behind his desk. Crusher, Worf, and Obrien are in attendance.] Sisco: Since the Bjorans have abducted two Star Fleet officers our hands are no longer tied and Star Fleet has authorized the use of force. Crusher: Two officers? I only count Data. Worf: The Klingon envoy reports Lt. Carroll was also taken hostage. Crusher: (raises an eyebrow) No wonder engineering has been running so smoothly! [Cut to Enterprise engineering. Butthead is chasing Beavis around the warp core with an isolinear chip.] [Back to Sisco's office.] Obrien: Sir. It's all and good that we can us force, but how are we going to infiltrate the Bjoran proceedings? We'll stick out like a sore thumb in Star Fleet uniforms. Sisco: Star Fleet has an inside man that will get us in. We'll handle the rest. Obrien. I want you to stay here on the station. Worf and I will be going in with all we've got as a strike team. [New Scene: A Bjoran holding cell. Data lays unconscious in the middle of the cell. Soong sits slumped in the corner. Kira, the Ambassador, and Carroll pace the floor, looking for a way out.] Kira: [is stuck by inconstancy and turns to Soong] Dr. Soong? Why aren't you dead? Soong: Why should I be? Kira: Data said you took a phaser blast in the chest. You haven't gotten medical attention. You should be dead! Soong: (chuckles) Ah! Well, I was a bit shaken up by the whole thing and didn't have the time to explain, but I had one ace up my sleeve. [Soong unbuttons a few buttons on his shirt to reveal he is wearing ablative armor. He pulls a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket and waves it.] Soong: (twinkle in his eye) I had a warning. [Kira opens her mouth to talk, but the floor begins to misshape itself. Odo "dissolves" upward into human form in the corner of the cell. He has foot prints all over his uniform.] Kira: (overjoyed) Odo! Odo: (disgusted and trying to brush the footprints off his tunic) Don't you people EVER wipe your feet! Kira: So I guess the Chief got you out from between the deck plates? Odo: Oi! What a horrendous experience! Don't remind me! (gathers himself, metaphorically, not literally) We're going to bust you guys out. Carroll: Really! When!?!? [There is a banging at the door. Odo dissolves back into the floor.] Voice: Housekeeping! [The door opens and a Bjoran house keeper enters, dragging his vacuum.] Bjoran Housekeeper: Sorry to interrupt. I've got to vacuum. [He sets to his work, humming gleefully. He carefully goes around Data's body, but when he comes to the corner where Odo was there is a sickening slurping sound. The housekeeper finishes and exits, oblivious to the muffled sounds and protests coming from inside the vacuum.] Kira: Well, so much for that escape. TO BE CONTINUED!!