SSSS TTTTTTT AAAA RRRRR TTTTTTT RRRRR EEEEEE K KK S T A A R R T R R E K KK SSSS T AAAAA RRRRRR T RRRRRR EEEE KKKK S T A A R R T R R E K K SSSS T A A R R T R R EEEEEE K K THE N N EEEEE W W CCC OOO L L EEEEE GGGG EEEEE N N N E W W C C O O L L E G G E N N N EEE W W W C O O L L EE G EEE N N N E W W W C C O O L L E G GGG E N N EEEEE W WW CCCC OOOO LLLLL LLLLL EEEEE GGGG EEEEE GGGG EEEEE N N EEEEE RRRR AAAA TTTTTTT IIIII OOOO N N G G E N N N E R R A A T I O O N N N G EEE N N N EEE RRRRR AAAAA T I O O N N N G GGG E N N N E R R A A T I O O N N N GGGG EEEEE N N EEEEE R R A A T IIIII OOOO N N STARTREK: THE NEW COLLEGE GENERATION SEASON 3 EPISODE 3: Snips and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails Written by Spaceman Spiff With Creative Credit to Da Teach ================================================================= Credits Vedic Gwin...........................Kim Mano Major Kira Neryes.....................Candace Klingon Ambassador.....................CeeJee Lt Commander Data.......................SPiff Lt Carroll..............................Jason Dr. Soong...............................Tamir Administrator Oh.....................Henry Oh Lt Worf.................................ROCK! Spak..................................Mark R. Quark...................................Jaime Rom...................................Paradox Mikle........Mike Lee Conservative Republican Commander Sisco......................Da Teach Klingon Crew.....................Weedon 100's Wing Mahn......................Casey Cosgrove Captain Jean Luc Picard...............Jeffery Wesley Crusher.....................Timmy Dude Lt Cmdr Geordi LaForge.....Col Hafez Al Baruk Commander Riker.......................Peeeter Doctor Beverly Crusher.................Anita! Ensign Campbell................Kasey Campbell Lt Svoboda.........................Matt Svboda Odo............................Bjornar Larsen Chief Miles O'Brien...................Matt L. Guinan.........................Andrea Rowland ================================================================= [New Scene: A large hall. Many Bjorans are present and congregated in what appears to be a viewing gallery at one end of the hall. A group of Bjoran monks parade in the front of the hall with hoods pulled over their heads and faces. Vedic Gwin and her aids sit behind a long table at on end of the hall. The Vedic drops a gavel.] Vedic Gwin: Bring in the prisoners! [Two guards usher in Kira, the Ambassador, Carroll, Soong, and Data. Soong and Carroll are dragging Data who is still unconscious. They are all made to stand in front of the Vedic and her aids.] Vedic Gwin: (to the monks) Brother. If you would.... the benediction please... [One of the monks takes a step forward and sits at a piano on the side of the room. Another monk steps forward and removes his hood. It's Administrator Oh! Oh bows his head to the Vedic and she nods. Oh turns and raises his hands. He drops them and the gregorian chant starts, led by Oh.] Oh: (chanting) Quirie liason. Monks: (echoing) Quirie liason. [The camera pans down the line of monks as it passes by ech on raises his head a little. We see Rom, Quark, Mikle, Spak, and Worf!] Worf: (growls under his breath to the piano player) The BEST we have! [The piano player shrugs.] Oh: (chanting) Triste liaison. Monks: (echoing) Triste liaison. [Oh shakes his head. He walks over to the piano player. The piano player is Sisco!] Oh: (whispering to Sisco) Can we jazz this up a bit. Sisco: (a twinkle in his eye) OH YEAH! [Sisco starts a smooth shuffle with soul. Oh starts to sway and encourages the other "monks", who seem a bit uncomfortable. to do the same. The following song is "River of Dreams" by Billy Joel, 1993.] Oh: (singing) OoOooh. AAah. OoOOoh. Ah. [pause] Oh: (singing) In the middle of the niiight, I go walk'n in my sleep, From the mountains of faith to a river so deeep. I must be look'n for someth'n. Someth'n sacr'd I looost. But the river is wiiide. And it's too hard to crooooss. [Oh is REALLY swinging and the "monks" start to swing and clap like Mow Town performers.] Oh: (singing) And even though the river is wide I walk down every evening and stand on the shore. And try to cross to the opposite side so I can finaallly find what I've been look'n for. [beat] Oh: (singing) In the middle of the niiight, I go walk'n in my sleep, Though the valley of fear, To a river so deeep. And I've been search'n for something Taken out of my soooul Something I would never lose Something somebody stooole. I don't know why I go walking at night, but now I'm tired and I don't want to walk any more. I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life until I finally find what I've been looking for. [beat. The monks are really starting to get down. The Bjorans in the "audience" are starting to catch the fever too. Vedic Gwin frowns.] Vedic Gwin: (under her breath) There's something fishy about that monk! Oh: (singing) In the middle of the niiight. Monks: (echo) middle of the night. Oh: (singing) I go walk'n in my sleep. Monks: (echo) walk'n in my sleep. Oh: (singing) Though the jungle of doubt. Monks: (echo) jungle of doubt. Oh: (singing) To a river so deeep. Monks: (echo) river so deep. Oh: (singing) I'm search'n for someth'n. Monks: (echo) search'n for someth'n Oh: (singing) Somthing so undefined. Monks: (echo) so undefined. Oh: (wails out) That it can only be seen! Monks: (echo) only be seen. Oh: (singing) By the eyes of the bliiind. Monks: (echo) eyes of the blind. Oh: (singing) In the middle of the niiight. (shouts) Take it away! [Sisco takes it away on the piano, improvising and harmonizing like none ever has in the sacred hall on Bajor. The Bjorans are nearly dancing in the aisle and the energy has spread to the Vedic's aids who are smiling and tapping their feet. Kira, the Ambassador, and Carroll aren't sure what too make of it. Soong is getting down and clapping his hands.] Monks: (repeated background through the instrumental) I go walk'n in a.... In the middle of the.... [The instrumental winds down but the song doesn't loose any momentum.] Oh: (singing) I'm not sure about a life after this, God knows I've never been a spiritual man. Baptized by the fire, I wade into the river that runs to the promised land. [Music stops for a long pause. The Monks and Oh freeze. Spak breaks the silence.] Spak: (wailing terribly) It's five o'clock on a Saturday....... [Worf nonchalantly knocks the wind out of Spak with his elbow. Oh turns slightly and nods approval. Then he restarts with the piano following.] Oh: (singing) In the middle of the niiight. Monks: (echo) the middle of the night. Oh: (singing) I go walk'n in my sleep. Monks: (echo) walk'n in my sleep. Oh: (singing) Though the desert of truth. Monks: (echo) dessert of truth. Oh: (singing) To a river so deeep. Monks: (echo) rives so deep. Oh: (singing) We all end in the ocean. Monks: (echo) end in the ocean. Oh: (singing) We all start in the streams. Monks: (echo) start in the streams. Oh: (wails out) We're all carried along. Monks: (echo) carried along. Oh: (singing) By the river of dreeeeams! Monks: (echo) river of dreams. Oh: (singing) In the middle of the niiight. (shouts gesturing to the monks) The Bjoran blues brothers ladies and gentlemen! [The audience erupts in applauds and cheers as the "monks" take it home. Spak struggles to his feet and rejoins the dance line.] Monks: (soulfully chanting) I go walk'n in the, in the middle of the; I go walk'n in the, in the middle of the; [Shot of Kira, Carroll, Soong, and the Ambassador all nodding their heads and bouncing with the beat.] Kira, Carroll, et. al.: (singing) I go walk'n in the, in the middle of the; [Switch to the bridge of the Klingon cruiser. Wing Mahn and his crew have caught the fluid. Their dance movements are more restricted and anal.] Klingon crew: (singing, rather forced, but smiling) I go walk'n in the, in the middle of the; [Switch to the Enterprise sick bay. Geordi, Wesley, Riker, and Picard are all strapped down on tables still, but their feet are rocking back and forth in unison with the music.] Picard, Riker, et. al.: (slightly sedated) I go walk'n in the, in the middle of the; [Switch to Engineering. Beavis stops trying to stuff an isolinear chip in Butthead's ear when he hears the music. They both stop screwing off, turn to face the warp core, and shake their booty.] Beavis and Butthead: Uhhh. I go walk'n in the, in the middle of the; Beavis: Heh! Heh! Like, in the middle of what? Butthead: Take a wild guess asswipe! In the middle of the..... Uh. I don't know. [Switch to the Enterprise bridge] Crusher, Svoboda, and Campbell: I go walk'n in the, in the middle of the; [Exterior shot of DS9. The music continues in the background. The wormhole unfolds and a bright light exits it. The camera pans with the motion of the light as it streaks toward Bajor.] [Back in the hall on Bajor. Everyone is singing and dancing except Vedic Gwin who sits at the head table arms crossed and frowning. All of a sudden there is a loud roar. The crowd turns to look at the direction of the roar. The music ends abruptly as a brightly glowing orb crashes through the roof and comes to hover over Data's unconscious body. Data abruptly stands and cradles the orb in his arms. Carroll, Soong, and the Ambassador look at Data in shock. Kira and every other Bjoran in the hall except the Vedic drop to their knees in awe.] Kira: By the prophets! Vedic Gwin: (stands outraged) What is the heresy! It is a Federation trick! This is no sign from the Prophets! Data: (possessed, he smiles warmly at the vedic) My child. You knew I was the avatar long before I was chosen. It had been written. Carroll: Huh? Doesn't this violate the prime directive? Soong: (proud) That's my boy! Ambassador: (tugging at Carroll) Perhaps we should use this opportunity to escape. No? Kira: (eyes cast down) I never believed that the word could be true. I mean metaphorically it was believable, but literally.... Data: (turns to the crowd) Much has been forgotten by the children of Bajor. Hardened by their own struggles, their hearts have turned to stone and they have forgotten the true meaning of the teachings of the prophets. [The Ambassador turns and starts to sneak out.] Data: (points at the Ambassador) You! What is your crime? Ambassador: (points at himself) Who me? Ask her! (points at the Vedic) Vedic Gwin: (coolly) He has violated YOUR laws. Data: (to the crowd) When have the prophets told you to distrust? When have they told you to do anything but love your neighbor? When have they told YOU (turns to the Vedic) to judge? (back to the crowd, raising an eyebrow) When did the prophets tell you to go three days without a shower or changing your underwear? [The crowd mummers and a few orthodox Bjorans shift uncomfortably.] Vedic Gwin: (screaming) Blasphemy! Guards! Seize the false avatar! [Guards start to move from the corners of the hall, but the "monks" led by Oh throw back their hoods and pull phasers on the guards. The Piano "melts" into Odo, who attempts to stand, but is too dizzy.] Odo: (muttering) Mama mia! What a headache! Sisco: (to Data) Good act Data! You can cut it out now. [Data is silent.] Sisco: Come off it Data. I think you're taking this a bit too far. [Data begins to hover above the floor. EVERYONE is in shock as he hovers several feet above the crowd cradling the orb. He passes to the far end of the hall, but knocks his head against the archway at the door. Data abruptly falls to the floor with a tremendous thud. Sisco, Soong, and Carroll cringe. The orb continues to hover above the crowd. The Vedic begins to throw a fit.] Vedic Gwin: Guards! Guards! [A voice speaks from the orb.] Voice: (booming) And so it has been spoken by the prophets; The reign of hatred started by the Cardassians has ended. Awake Bajor and give the fruits of freedom! Vedic Gwin: (throwing a fit) Seize that..... that..... that orb! [The one by one drop their weapons and turn to the Vedic arms crossed.] Sisco: (matter-a-factly to the Vedic) Looks like the prophets have spoken. [Data stands up in the back of the room.] Data: Have I missed anything? [New Scene: The bridge of the Enterprise. Picard has returned to duty and sits at the command chair. Riker sits to his right. Data at Ops, Lt. Svoboda at Nav, Ensign Campbell at tactical. Dr. Crusher is turning command back over to Picard.] Picard: (to Crusher) Well done doctor! You handled the crisis perfectly. Perhaps that new manoeuver you used will have to be called the Crusher Manoeuver. We'll have to discuss your expertise in this area at a later time. Crusher: (seductively) Why Jean Luc. I'd LOVE to show you some more Crusher Manoeuvers. [Picard turns red in embarrassment as Crusher goes to the turbo lift, blows Picard a kiss and leaves.] Campbell: Captain. DS9 is hailing us. Picard: On Screen. [The viewer flickers and Shows DS9 Ops. Sisco, Obrien, Odo, and Worf are present.] Sisco: Captain Picard, it is good to see you in command again. Picard: I'm sure Star Fleet will be very impressed with your handling of this situation Commander. Sisco: I couldn't have done it without the help of your crew. My complements to them. Worf: Captain. I request a leave of absence. I would like to Escort the Klingon Ambassador back to the Klingon homeworld and make an appeal to the council in his behalf. Picard: (nods) Granted mister Worf. [The Comm channel chirps] Guinan's Voice: Captain Picard? Is Dr. Soong still aboard? He owes me twenty dollars. [Picard looks at Campbell. Campbell shakes her head after checking her display.] Picard: (to Sisco) Commander? Sisco: (puzzled) He's not here. I wonder where he went...... OBrien: Sir! There's a runabout missing from pad C. Sisco: (hits his own forehead) Doah! Not another runabout! Picard: (to Guinan) Looks like he flew the coup Guinan. Guinan's Voice: (she sighs) That's okay. I'll get the shiester someday. Guinan out. [The Comm panel chirps in DS9.] Sisco: Sisco here. Kira's Voice: Commander. We've found a container down here at runabout pad C that is labeled for Commander Data. Data: (raises an eyebrow and turns to Picard) Sir? May I? Picard: Yes Data. Go. [Data Gets up and exits by the rear turbo lift.] [New Scene: A corridor on DS9. Kira is standing by a container on the floor. Data approaches.] Kira: Here it is Commander. Data: Here is what? Kira: A package. For you. It looks like your father left it. [Data kneels down and opens the box lid. He looks inside and pulls out a note.] Data: (reading the note) Just wanted to give you a helping hand. I'll try to catch up with you later and give you that emotion chip. Dr. Soong. [Data puts the note off to the side and rummages in the box. He pulls a hand out of the box and looks at it puzzled.] Kira: What a sense of humor! Data: (puzzled) I don't understand. Kira: (desperately trying to make Data see) Data! A hand! A helping hand! Data: (intrigued by the hand) No. I understand the sophomoric humor, but this hand is not of the same construction as mine..... or my brother's for that manner. [Kira looks closely at the hand.] Kira: It's a female hand! Data: (raises an eyebrow in disbelief) Kira: No. Really. Look at how the finger nails are manicured. Data: (turning over the hand) Perhaps you are correct. (replaces the hand in the box with the note and picks up the box to go.) [Data starts to walk away.] Kira: (to Data) I was a pleasure serving with you commander. Data: (stops and looks over his shoulder at Kira) Major I wish you and your people good fortune. Kira: (smiles) Bye Data. [Data turns at walks off carrying the container.] [New Scene: Enterprise Engineering. Geordi, Carroll, and Barclay are loitering by the warp core.] Barclay: (exasperated) ....Well, I finally got all the isolinear chips back in place and won't you know it, those two hooligan enlisted men disappear! Poof! Vanished! Carroll: (smirks) Geordi: At least you got things back together Reg. Thanks for covering for me. Carroll: I have an even better story. I couldn't sleep, so I went over to DS9...... Barclay: (interrupting) Is this going to be a long story? Carroll: Well,...... yes. Barclay: (accepting and bouncing) Oh. Okay! [The comm channel chirps] Picard's Voice: Picard to Engineering. Are we ready to embark Mister LaForge? Geordi: Aye sir. Picard's Voice: Good. Prepare for warp speed. Picard out. Carroll: Anyway..... Barclay: Oh! Wait! Wait! I forgot to tell you, some of the isolinear chips were damaged and I couldn't fit them in forwards, so I just put them in backwards.... [Geordi smacks himself on the head.] [On the Bridge. Picard in command. Riker to his right. Campbell at security. Data at Ops. Svoboda at Nav.] Campbell: (to Picard) Another message from the Klingons, sir. Picard: Tell them to stop whining! We'll get them dislodged as soon as we get to space dock. (to Svoboda) Engage! [Exterior shot of the Enterprise. I pulls away from the docking latches of DS9 to go to Warp. But instead of going forward into warp, it goes backwards!] Picard: (screaming) LaForge!! Barclay!! Carroll!! My Ready Room!! NOW!!!! [New Scene: Runk Forward. Data stands looking out the window at the streaming stars. Guinan approaches and quietly stands near Data, also looking out the window.] Data: (without looking) Guinan? Guinan: (without turning) Yes Data? Data: (turns to Guinan) What is it I'm looking for? Guinan: (keeps looking straight ahead) Do any of us really know? [A moment of silence as Data ponders this.] Guinan: (turns to Data) We all are searching for something Data. That's living. And none of us really know where we are going until we get there. Follow your dreams Data. Data: My dreams are... (cocks his head) cryptic. Guinan: (shakes her head) No Data. Your dreams are only a manifestation of your DREAMS; what you REALLY want from life. Data: But emotions and desires are not part of my programming..... Guinan: There is much out there (nods at the window) that you, humanity, cannot begin to imagine Data. It will find you in time Data. Have some patience. [Guinan turns back to the window and after a pause Data does the same. They stand there for awhile.] Data: (without turning from the window) My father owes you twenty dollars? Guinan: (turns to Data) Yeah. You believe that? He asks me to mail him this note by Einstein Express and he doesn't give me the dough to do it! Data: (puzzled, turns to Guinan) Note? Guinan: Yeah. Some kind of a warning about an attempt on his life or something. He wants it delivered a week ago. Data: (holds out his hand) May I? I'll mail it. Guinan: (rummages in her pocket and pulls out the note) Sure. (gives it to Data) Data: (takes the note) Thank you. [Data walks to a table and unfolds the note. He pulls a pen out of his pocket and writes something on it. He folds it back up and turns to go.] Guinan: (watching Data) Changing fate Data? Data: (shakes his head) Making the future. [Data turns and leaves.] [Exterior shot of the Enterprise with the Klingon Cruiser entwined in the nacelles going warp speed backwards. The camera angle pulls back and the end music stars.] [End Music and credits roll]